Your Little Dose of Crazy...

Have I mentioned that I'm crazy? Insane? Often times a bit morbid? Well, I am - and It's only gotten worse since I've had Jude.

Before I used to worry about things like "how would Ryan be if something happened to me?". I mean I'd want him to be happy... move on...! He's told me before that if something happened to me that he'd crawl in a hole and be lonely. Of course this makes my fears even worse! I know I told him at one point (for the sake of making him feel 'obligated' to get up and do something) that if anything happened, when he got that big insurance check in the mail I wanted him to finish our house. The way we had talked about, all by himself (well, with help from friends and family) but no contractors, etc. A great project for him to keep busy and move on with.

Then of course I watch the 2012 shows on TV and that opens up a whole new can of crazy that I won't even get into. (for your sake)

Then Jude came along and I had this whole new list of fears. What if something happened to me? I know Ryan would/will be/is a great father, but still, no mother! That kind of stuff can mess a kid up. Then, what if he's still breastfed, I mean there's only so much frozen... even though this should be the last of my worries. He'd be so lost... confused... where's that lady who's always hanging around? Where are those boobies??

But even worse than just me, what if something happened to me AND Ryan. I wouldn't know what to do - and quite frankly, that wouldn't be for me to worry about anyway. I mean, I've made mention a few times that I'd want my brother Bryan to raise him. He's young, he's in Delaware, he's in touch with all the family I'm in touch with, he's friends or friendly with most of our close friends, it just works. But I mean, what about our house? The (very little) money we have? Buddy? and so much more...

All of this is what goes through my mind when I'm away from Jude. I guess it should not only be when I'm away from him, but this is when it hits me. When I'm driving home on a dark back road, at 3 o'clock in the morning, after a midnight movie, rain pouring down. Or, this is what I think about on my way home from work at 10 o'clock at night through the city of Newark, where there could be some crazy drunk college kid around any corner. All I can think about is staying focused and getting home safely to see my wonderful husband and bundle of joy. I glance out the windows just waiting for that deer to pop in front of me. I'll skid on my breaks or something and BOOM - who knows what. This fluke, crazy, tragic stuff happens all the time.

Of course I run in the house, kiss my little munchkin, crawl in bed with my husband and everything's OK. But for some reason I woke up this morning and thought "I hate that feeling". I hate constantly having this whole 'backup' plan in my head where no one else can get to it. I hate always saying "we need to make a will". We just need to do it. So, I'm vowing to make a will. To research and find out how to make it official and do it. I know Ryan mentioned there being a pretty hefty cost associated with it... so maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

In addition, I recently made a phone call to the guy who handles our life insurance policy and had him write up the appropriate papers to add Jude on. Not only as a beneficiary, but also in case something happens to him.

I'm pretty sure that there are a couple of other loose ends that I need to check into, but I'm promising myself to get it all together.