Where has the time gone?

I often wonder at what point your baby becomes your toddler... when does you toddler become a child? a teenager? an adult? Is it those milestone birthdays?

For someone you don't see every day, these transformations happen in segments. You see the infant grow into an adult in pieces at thanksgivings, Christmases and Birthdays. Then, before you know it, you're marveling over how quickly the time has gone. I'm currently doing this with my younger siblings. One is about 10 years younger and the other 15 years younger. I see them every now and then and always catch myself wondering when the little kid who used to tag along behind us turned into this rebellious teenager. I remember at the rehearsal dinner for my wedding, my brother Scott was standing next to me. For some reason I looked down and realized he was not standing on the curb next to us. He was in fact standing on the same level ground I was. However, somehow in a matter of a couple of months he had grown a whole head taller than me.








It then makes me wonder about my own child. At what point will he come running into my room in the morning without the soft round features of a child? Or even worse, at what point will he just not run into my room in the morning? When will those hugs. Those deep, amazing, loving hugs disappear? When will he start to be embarrassed at the thought of HUGGING HIS MOTHER IN PUBLIC? At what point will he not want to nap on me? But instead will prefer the solitude of his bedroom. Perhaps even locking the door behind him so that I can't creep in just to watch him peacefully sleep? When will the nursery become his bedroom - and eventually be plastered with posters and other relics of his interests?

Already, it feels like he's been part of our family forever... while other times it seems like just yesterday he was born.







At what point in his life will it come time to pack up all of his toys and eventually turn his bedroom into just another guest room... in what will be an over sized home for just Ryan and I?




What about making him laugh? Everything I do makes him laugh... he laughs just because I laugh. He laughs at the dog running down the steps. But even I know that eventually... I won't be funny to him.






Every day I look forward to discovering new pieces of Jude's personality - his attitude, his taste, his cuddly-ness. I look forward to seeing the types of friends HE choses for himself, instead of the ones that we chose for him. But, it's times when I sit here and wonder about his future that I try to hold on to who he is today too. It's times like today that I want to hold him instead of holding his hand while he tries to wabble around. That instead of going for a run, I sit on the couch and let him nap in my arms. That I don't regret the decision to let him sleep with us in bed - and that I'm grateful for the times that he lets me carry him. It's times like today that I put the camera away and instead of making a memory through film, I'm making a real memory.






The past couple of weeks I have been filling every waking hour with preparations for Jude's first birthday. Finishing touches on the house, landscaping the front yard and deciding on details for the party. But I think about it and wonder if I'm just filling this time to avoid the truth. My son is turning one. The first year of his life is quickly coming to a close. This first year, he has probably learned and experienced more for the first time than he will for the rest of his many years to come. He has more than doubled in weight, acquired a variety of motor skills, is beginning to communicate and recognizes those people who chose to make themselves a significant part in his life. While his future holds an endless amount of possibility, I'm pretty sure this first year is the most significant part of his future. I'm so thankful that I've had the opportunity to spend this time with him.







But even though I'm nervous about the future... about growing beyond this period of infancy, I'm excited. I'm excited to see the person he becomes and the interests that he has. I look forward to teaching him more and watching him grow.






And yes, I'm even looking forward to his teen years. The years where I'm sure I'll want to pull my hair out and scream. I look forward to reading back over these blog entries and thinking about all of the things that he's done. How our family has matured and become complete with him.






As I say every month, I wish I could just bottle up a little bit of this 11-12 month old Jude. The Jude who just the other day was peacefully sipping away from a cup on the floor - and then I walked in the door. He threw the cup and if one can 'run' while they crawl, he ran, to me.





This Jude who is learning what things are and how they work. He loves using 'real' things. By real things, I mean things that grown ups use. He'll get his own screw driver while Ryan's working and mimic him. He'll grab his own wash cloth and dust like mommy. He'll try to figure out how to hook the hose back up to pop-pop's nail gun - because he knows it won't work without it.




Our outside time is teaching him new things too. He helps me pull weeds, he throws rocks and he eats strawberries (that aren't quite ripe) right off the bushes.




At one year, he has eaten at least 1 pound of dirty, but when tempted with a cupcake at his 1st birthday photos, he didn't want anything to do with it.

He still sucks his thumb, he still nurses and he still fondles my breasts as a source of security. He goes to sleep easily at night, but some how he know JUST when we're going to bed, because he begins to stir in his room to indicate that he wants to be in bed with us.

He says "what's that?" points and says "that" when he wants something and is just all together amazing. I look forward to the next year and can not wait to see what that brings for us.

But for now? I have a birthday cake to decorate :)

Side note: I'll be posting Jude's 12 month toy box picture later.

Time to bring the mattress down...

I told Ryan last week that we needed to lower Jude's crib mattress.

Now, I know as well as any mother the urgency for lowering the mattress once your child is able to pull themselves up. However, Jude is very rarely in his crib while he's REALLY awake. So, I didn't see it as something that HAD to be done the second he was pulling himself up, but instead told Ryan to put it on his list of this to do for the weekend.

Well, last night, I took Jude up to bed. We usually rock him or walk him around the house for a minute or two until he falls asleep and then lay him down in his crib as peaceful as can be. I do the normal routine and lay him in his crib. There was a glitch and boom! Jude wakes up. I walk away, thinking he'll go right back to sleep, but he doesn't, so I scoop him up and gently rock him back to sleep. I then lay him down again and he's awake as soon as I lay him on the mattress. WTF! Determined to make it work, I walk away to see if he'll fall asleep on his own.

Now, we don't 'cry it out', so I'm guessing Jude just didn't know how to take this. I decide to hover outside of his room for a 5 minutes to see if he resolves the problem on his own. He's crying and crying and then after 4 minutes I just can't take it anymore and go in his room. What is he doing? Pulling himself up on his crib rails on his hands and knees. If left alone much longer I'm pretty sure he would have stood up completely and possibly tried to crawl out. It is not uncommon at all for him to try and crawl to the end of our bed... I'm sure his crib would be no different.

My lesson learned: Never underestimate your child.

Question:
what is one thing you think you could do differently that would make you a better mother?

what is one thing you think Ryan could do to make himself a better father?

Answer:

Not to sound totally into myself, but the first of these questions is much more difficult. Only because being human, it's got to be easier to judge other people that it is yourself. So, I'm going to start with question #2: what could Ryan do to be a better father... and then move on to the first part.

Not telling him why I was asking, after reading the question, I asked him "what do you think you could do to be a better dad?". Immediately without thinking about it he said "you want me to get rid of the kegerator don't you?". I laughed. I'll say (before you think I have an alcoholic husband) he does not drink that much and considering how much we used to drink during the weekends... he barely touches it. If I had to pick something that I think Ryan could 'improve' on, it would be his TV consumption. A few weeks ago, we actually made a house 'rule' that we would minimize TV use until after Jude goes to bed. It's very easy for Ryan to get sucked into the box. So, he'll be laying on the floor playing with Jude or talking to me, or whatever... and only be 1/2 paying attention.

Instead, recently while cooking dinner or whatever it is that we're doing in our free time before Jude's 7:00 bed time, we'll have the radio on, or he'll be playing on the floor with his toys while we read. It's much more relaxing in my opinion. Of course, I'm sure that our 'house rule' isn't followed 100% while I'm at work... but whatever. So, as a father I think he could improve by blocking out some of his distractions and give Jude undivided attention.

Now on to me... hmmm...

I'm not sure if this is a cop-out answer, but I think I need to "let go" a little more. Aside from my two months or so back to work, I honestly can count on my hands how many times we've left Jude with a babysitter in the last 7 months (YES! HE'S SEVEN MONTHS! CRAZY! More to come on that). He is pretty much ALWAYS with me or Ryan. Period. I know it doesn't sound like a bad thing, but I know eventually (if not a little already??) one can get 'burnt out on baby'.

In addition to just not wanting to be away from him, there are a number of reasons I just don't leave him.

1. breastfeeding. This is without a doubt my number one reason when considering whether I'll leave him. I really try to avoid pumping and kinda freak myself out about missing feedings, so if I'm not working, I really don't want to skip feedings. I work my time out of the house around his feedings, thus making mommy time brief or late at night. When Ryan and I are presented with day trips or other generally baby-free events, I try to find a way to work Jude into it, because I don't want to be faced with the "to pump or not to pump" decision.

2. I really feel like I'm inconveniencing people. I hate to call people up and have them come over to watch him. Especially since Ryan and I aren't the best of 'planners' and our decision to want to hit a movie or go to an event or grab dinner or a drink are pretty last minute. So, instead of a little one on one time, we just bring the little guy along. This makes romantic dinners a little less romantic and movie far and few, but really I'm kind of OK with that.

3. and probably the most terrible reason... there are only a handful of people I trust... not because I don't want them alone with my baby, but because I want them to do things MY way. There are some people who I know will listen to my requests and try to do things the way I'd like. However, there are others who I think (or know, from experience) would basically ignore what I tell them and make their own assumptions about what is right for Jude. Considering for the most part I have a pretty clear plan for what I do or do not want Jude exposed to, leaving him with someone who will ignore my requests is very frustrating to me.

In addition, I think I could be a little better about solids with Jude. When we first started him on solids, I was very excited to experiment with foods. Even to this day, he's just not really into them. They are presented to him, he plays with them, I feed him a little and he just doesn't indulge, I'm lucky if he takes a bite or two or anything. As a result, I almost see it as a waste and go a few days at a time without even giving him any.

I'm sure there are a million other things that I could improve upon, but I'd say these are two things that I personally consider some of my biggest 'issues'.

Question: to the other mothers: what things do you think you could improve upon?

Playdates and Alcohol

We have been known to get together with some friends here and there and have a few drinks on the weekends. There's always a responsible person who's staying sober (or only having a drink or two) in case Jude wakes up. Typically it's me and typically I will only sip on a beverage because I'd rather nurse him back to sleep than having to prepare a bottle. I personally think this is fine.

Obviously if the two of us were getting wasted at dinner and driving home with Jude in the backseat, or being so irresponsible that we have no idea what's going on, it'd be a different story.

I recently came across an article in my Parents (yes, I get that magazine. no, I did not order it myself. yes, I enjoy flipping through it) magazine about this very issues and it really got me wondering.

Basically in the article it discusses how more and more mothers are "raising a glass to parenting". It mentions how mothers are having a glass or two of wine and driving home from play dates with kids in tow. Likewise, parents are getting sloshed after their children go to bed, thinking that just because they're asleep, they're fine. Finally it added at the end that the safest route is to "get a babysitter - it's more fun for everyone".

All of this made me think. How much is too much? Is having a glass of wine (a beer, a margarita, whatever) OK if you know you'll be driving your son or daughter home? What about while you're out to dinner? Is it irresponsible for both parents to have a drink with dinner? What image does this pose to older children who are aware it's going on? Perhaps having a drink or two encourages responsible drinking as opposed to binge drinking? Doesn't getting a babysitter present the same problems as drinking after the child is asleep? I mean she'll eventually be going home...

Then there's the issue of drinking while pregnant or breastfeeding? Is one ok and not the other? I have lots of people who say to me "well, you can't drink because you're BFing right"? As if it gets in your milk and it never comes out. Personally I feel one drink is fine and I've done it a good handful of times. If Jude's out for the night and I know I won't be feeding him any more, I may put back a couple (and if he wakes up giving him a bottle). And then there's pregnancy - women used to drink all the time while they were pregnant - I believe it was more recently that they really started to advocate NOT drinking (or eating lunch meat, etc). I personally didn't drink during pregnancy (that's a lie - I had a little bit of Ryan's glass of wine while we were on vacation) - but I don't think I'd look down on someone who's having a few sips of beer, a glass of wine or a shot (kidding about the shot!) every now and then. In fact (and I say this now, but who knows what I'd actually do) I think I'd be more comfortable the second time around having a glass of wine with dinner.

It was just a really interesting topic that has this fine undetermined line somewhere. It's the line that you as a parent need to draw and hope you're right.

At the time this picture was taken, Ryan was drinking. You can already see how he's neglecting our son...

I'd love to hear what other people have to say on the topic...