10 years later

At the end of this year, Ryan and I will have been dating 10 years. That's a long time. The other day, I was wondering what 15 year old Alicia, pre-Ryan Alicia would think of me now.

I'm pretty sure children were always a part of the plan. I never really thought I'd live my life without experiencing motherhood, but 15 year old me probably assumed that it would happen much later in life. 15 year old me had big plans. She wanted to graduate and move away for college. There was no room for UD... she'd got to school somewhere far away, eventually go to law school and strike it rich as some big shot attorney.

I'm not going to pretend I was some child prodigy, but in comparison to the majority of my family, I had a lot more ambition. My dad used to tell me that I was his retirement plan (or at the very least, when I was wealthy, he'd like me to buy him a boat).

After I met Ryan, those big dreams slowly started to change shape into a new picture. I'm not going to say that at 16 I was willing to throw away all of my ambition for this skinny kid with a limp, but I began questioning some choices. All of the sudden, UD didn't look so bad...

At some point while working at full-time, I went through a bit of identity crisis. I remember holding back tears at one of my employee evaluations when I was asked where I saw myself long term. I'm pretty sure he was asking whether I'd be hanging around my company for awhile or not... but I took it a little more literal. I questioned where I was and what I was doing. I had a degree damn it! Why wasn't I using it?!? I wanted to know at what point in my life I had lost the drive and ambition and exchanged it for this comfy cozzy feeling. When did it became OK for my husband to be the 'bread winner' while I followed what now only seems like the most expected path for a woman: acquire the ring, plan the wedding, have babies, live happily ever after? I wasn't sure when it had happened, but it did.

At that time, I was almost disappointed in myself. But the other day, I decided that I'm pretty sure I did not just take the easy alternative of staying in Delaware and starting a family. I chose an equally challenging path. A path where you beat the odds and live a happy life with your highschool sweetheart. A path where business suits are replaced with a sometimes-questionable-t-shirt; desks and conference tables replaced by highchairs and toy mats; and cocktail parties with play dates. A path that opens up to a whole collection of new life hurdles. Perhaps not the ones I had expected, but equally challenging ones that have given me a new perspective on life and what is really important.

I'm learning that I'd give up anything for the time I get at home with my family. I understand (more now than ever) why my mom would always say "do you know how easy that would be to make". I'm fine now with putting what could potentially be a career on hold - and that it's not as detrimental as I had first thought it was.

Our bathroom is still unfinished, the bills aren't always paid, taxes are a beacon of hope and vacations aren't as easy to come by, but none of that matters at 9:00 in the morning when I'm able to spend an hour just eating breakfast with Jude. Suddenly, the only things that matter are teaching Jude to eat with a spoon, that his food is not for the dog, and how to drink from a sippy cup - and you know what? Those are the times when that psychology degree really seem to come in hand more than ever.