Part 5: Getting Things Recreational Again

I have been putting off this post... but I guess I'll get it over with since it will fully conclude my series.

I was done working full time roughly at the beginning of September. It's now January. I think it's safe to say that my previous assumption that it'd get normal once I was home was not an accurate assumption.

I'd say the last month has really been the real transition back to normal. I personally think it's pathetic that it took basically 7 months to get any real sex drive back, but I really have no idea what the 'norm' is - some women I've talked to were back at it within a couple of weeks, some I've read about were out of it for a year. I'm not really sure at which point I went from hyperventilating at the thought of sex, to almost enjoying it, to being able to experiment with different positions again, but it happened.

That's not to say it's always a good thing! Ryan's well aware that things are back up and running and he is thrilled! Quite regularly I'm being seduced when all I want to do it sit down, relax, sleep, take advantage of my adult time and read, or just cook dinner.

My advice is if you hear about people practically wanting to beg their doctors to let them have sex again and wonder "am I weird for still not wanting to be touched after 5, 6, 7 months" - no, you're not. I personally think it's really important for you to communicate this with your husband. I know I did and there were STILL times he thought it was his fault that I couldn't get into it. Also, make a point to take the time for each other. I'm not saying you need to go out on a date or have a candle lit dinner or anything, but at night, when the baby is asleep, turn off the TV, cuddle, chat and just enjoy one another. Since I work in the evenings and Ryan during the day, it's sometimes hard to really do this, but we do try.

It's important for you to remind yourself why you're together. Not for the kid, not for the house, but because you love one another, Keep in touch with what it is that you enjoy about the other... then of course... don't forget the lube.

Part 4: Back to Work Sex

Perhaps a Subtitle should be "Awkward, we-haven't-really-done-it-in-a-long-time Sex"

Just when I think things are going to get normal again. They don't.

I'll say that after my doctor's appointment I was still not convinced I was ready to go and at that time, Jude was sleeping with us a lot... making it that much more difficult. I put it off for awhile and before I knew it I was heading back to work. This created a whole new list of problems. The number one issue being: time! I honestly don't know how two working parents have the TIME to enjoy one another! I mean it sounds so cliche, but it's true! Especially in the beginning when you're falling into a routine.

I would come home from work, exhausted from waking up early, getting Jude ready/things ready for daycare (the first couple of days) and Katie (from there on out) and all I wanted to do was go to bed. But I couldn't! First, I wanted to catch up on my Jude cuddle time! I missed him so much, that all I wanted to do was spend time with him! I would come home disappointed if he was asleep because the second I walked in the door I just wanted to scoop him up into my arms!

Then after rushing through dinner, talking about our days and trying to catch up on any house work, I had to get ready for the next day. I had to prepare bottles, clean the previous day's bottles, get my pump bag ready and have everything set to minimize the work the next morning. SHWOO!

It's hard to say when exactly we first attempted sex after I had Jude, but I'm thinking it was somewhere in this time frame and as you can imagine, I wasn't whole heartedly into it. I was already exhausted, emotionally upset being away from Jude and just all in all, over whelmed. Within the first two weeks of being back at work, I made the decision that I just could not continue the way things were. I quit my job. I hoped that once I was done, things would (sexually) get back to where they should be, but also knew that with me working nights, we'd have even less time together.

I honestly think the first time you try having sex postpartum, you need to realize that it's not just hoping back on the same old train. For me anyway. In addition to you realizing it, you need to have this pep-talk with your husband so he knows what exactly you expect to get out of it.

If I had to narrow it down to a few words:
Dry. Awkward. Clinical. Unsatisfying.

You're trying to take it slow, find the right position and (again, for me...) not wince in pain. One strong word of advice: get some lube. Unlike some people who get the awkward sex over with quickly, this lasted for us, for quite some time.

I think that Ryan started to even blame himself, like I was totally not into him or something, which wasn't the case, at all. I wanted to, I was just... scared... terrified... not able to get things going. We were doing all the same things that worked before, but it just wasn't working.

I think in addition to just being nervous, I was distracted, tired and then there's breastfeeding.

If you think about the biology of it, if you're nursing a child that can't thrive on it's own yet, your body will not be actively working towards having another child. You're already giving up so many nutrients to one being, the first few months I can't imagine doing it for two! Thus - a loss in sex drive and the goods to make it enjoyable. I'm sure this isn't the case for everyone (I just talked to a girl the other day who will be having her second child LESS than a year after her first!), but it sure was for us.

In the end, my hope that after 3-4 months things would be just as they were before was quickly fading. I needed to stop setting goals and let nature take over. When I/we were ready, it would happen on it's own.

For my Bridal shower, Barbie gave us a pail of wine. It was a great gift! There was a great poem and instructions on when to drink each bottle. We were pretty good about drinking most of them at the appropriate time! The bottle pictured above was our honeymoon wine that we packed away and took to Costa Rica and enjoyed one night in our room. I'd say it could be a good idea to recreate (or create a new) romantic evening for two at some point postpartum.

Question: How do you find ways to have quality time with your husband on a regular basis? This is not just about sex, but just one on one time to enjoy each other? If you go out, what kinds of things to do you if you're on a budget?

Part 3: Postpardum Sex (or lack of)

There's really not much to say here other than... just don't do it.

Outside of not being 'allowed' to by your doctor, it's just best. Take the time to recover. Personally, I had NO interest. I remember getting on a chat board one day and seeing one mother say she had just had her child a matter of weeks ago and was ready to get back into it. I was amazed. I just could not imagine.

For us, Jude was in our room for the first couple of months and so it would have been weird. There's so much adjusting going on anyway...

As you will read in a lot of places, really take this time to find alone time for you and your husband/significant other and cherish those moments that you get alone without the baby (as it won't happen much). Cuddle, talk and just connect with one another...

Part 2: Pregnancy Sex

I feel like when a woman (and a man) decide it's officially time for the baby maker to go into business, there are so many things that you just are not told. In addition, you just don't know to ask the question, so you're left to figure things out as you go along.

For example, I was unaware of heartburn being a big deal in pregnancy - and boy was it for me. Instead you hear the normal list of 'side effects' like frequent urination, the crazy cravings and more that I really didn't experience much of at all! In addition, I never even considered the side effects pregnancy would have on your love life. But really, as animals, it seems normal that nature would have women uninterested. During ovulation, hormone levels are at the right mix where you typically are most interested in sex, if you're not ovulating... then what's keeping you going?

In addition there's the morning sickness. I was one of those unfortunate women who experience a long dose of morning sickness. I remember getting sick clear through our cruise at the end of November, into December (I found out I was pregnant in August and was due in late April, that's about 4 months of morning sickness! Almost half my pregnancy!). the morning sickness really helped keep me uninterested in sex. I wasn't feeling 100%, I was throwing up constantly and so I just felt unattractive. No matter how much I was loving my pregnant body, I just couldn't see anyone be interested in a constantly vomiting woman. I looked forward to the end of the MS and hoped that it would reignite our honeymoon flame.

Unfortunately, it did not. Sex during pregnancy was very infrequent, very robotic and very... bad. I always hoped foreplay would stay foreplay and that it'd get over quick. I was just so uninterested. At first, Ryan was into trying sex during pregnancy, but once the belly started to arrive, thing got weird for him too. Quite literally, there was something between us and so he too opted for other methods of enjoyment. I can honestly say that I believe it was not uncommon to go a month without sex while I was pregnant - which in my opinion is just... SAD.

I had this constant feeling that I was a terrible wife and that any other man would have kicked me to the curb, but after discussing it, I found that Ryan was equally uninterested. I looked forward to having my son and moving on and back into a better love life.

When I would hear about other women who couldn't get enough sex while they were pregnant I was astonished! Those women ARE out there and if you're one of them, KUDOS to you!

Once late April rolled into early May and my son arrived, I thought "6 weeks from now, things will be going good!"

Stay tuned for: "Postpartum Sex (or lack of)"

Part 1: Trying To Conceive Sex

Oh... trying to conceive sex. It could just be because we had just gotten married... experienced the most amazing honeymoon and were no longer had the stress of saving for a wedding, but trying to conceive sex was... GREAT sex. We never expected to have a baby too soon after getting married, but something changed while in Costa Rica. We pretty much threw birth control to the wind and said we'd see what happened. The last day of our honeymoon, I got my period and I'll be honest and say that we were ever so mildly disappointed.

Perhaps what made Trying to Conceive Sex better was that we were passively trying to conceive. We weren't really charting periods, testing for ovulation or trying very long, so it was just fun. For once in our life we could have sex protection free! Through the years I had tried a few hormonal methods of birth control and was never happy with the way they made me feel so we were always condom people - but not anymore.

After our 'trying on a whim' experience in Costa Rica, Ryan and I came home and had a real 'discussion' about babies. We decided that if it was something that happened, we'd both be thrilled. I didn't want things to become scientific or routine, so we never admitted to each other (or told anyone else really) that we were actively trying to have a baby. We kept saying we would "see what happens" while telling friends and family it was years down the road.

In the meantime I made an appointment with my OB and we discussed what I should be doing as a woman to prepare my body for pregnancy in the event that something did happen. I was put on prenatal vitamins and told to enjoy it. I had a rough time line in my head every month of the "key days" that I could get pregnant, but I honestly don't think I ever out right had sex on one day or another specifically to get pregnant. I was also fortunate that I'm a pretty regular gal. Every 28-29 days I'd get my period which made it very easy to know when I was ovulating.

We tried for a couple of months and then late one early August night I believe we conceived our son. I could be wrong - it could have been a few days before or a few days after, but as far as timing is concerned...

My main point with this post is this: Enjoy trying to conceive! You read/hear about so many people who have difficulties trying to conceive. They try for months, years... without success at which point I'm imagining things can become routine and mundane. Out pop the ovulation testers, then come the fertility doctors... it can just become so stressful. Save the worrying and charting and scientifics of it all for later on down the road if things just don't happen. Enjoy the good sex while it lasts!

Stay tuned for the next portion: Pregnancy Sex.

Sex: A 5 Part Series

Yes, I have officially 'gone there'. If you know me and don't want to know 'too much' I'd skip this series.

This will be a 5 part series where I discuss sex. Not the recreational, fun type, but the type of sex that comes after the ring goes on and planning/having babies starts to happen.

For the past 1+ year, I will admit I felt like sex has been almost a struggle. This is sad to say because a large majority of that time was my first year of marriage! That's when things should be on fire! Granted we had been living together for a few years before that, but still! We're husband and wife! But that hasn't been the case (as you will see).

I'll be dotting my posts with some random scientific pieces of information that admittedly I have not researched - so don't bash me if something is a little wrong I'm working from memory.

I'm very interested in other people's perspectives/experiences and hope that someone who might be going through similar experiences will find refuge in knowing 'they're not alone'.

The series will consist of:
1. Trying to Conceive Sex
2. Pregnancy Sex
3. Postpartum Sex (or lack of)
4. Back to Work Sex
5. Getting Things Recreational Again