My Cinco de Mayo

Perhaps I should start this LONG blog somewhere around the end of May 4th. Laying in bed that night I of course had a million thoughts running through my head. I kept telling myself that I HAD to get some sleep, but it was much easier said than done.

The Night Before:

As I mentioned earlier, I was scared of delivery. Thinking about everything that was ahead of us the next day I started to get nervous. I had no idea what to expect in terms of delivery and no matter how excited I was to finally see him, I was scared. Really scared. I will be completely honest and tell you that I sat in bed and cried (not just cried, but big old baby tears); telling Ryan "I can't do this! I don't want to do this anymore!". I was not afraid of having a child, but of delivering a child. Being the logical person he is, Ryan reminded me that he has to come out SOME how at this point. Needless to say I was awake on and off all night and into the morning.

The Waiting Game:

We were expecting a call somewhere between 4am and 8am. We both slept until about 6am with the phone by our side. At that time we woke up and showered trying to make the morning as "routine" as we could. By 8 o'clock we had gotten a couple of calls from the family and friends asking for updates and we told them what we knew: nothing. At 8 o'clock, Ryan asked me if we thought we should call the doctor's office. I thought they had told me to wait to call their office until 9 o'clock and I was right, even at 8:20 the office was still closed so the waiting continued. Around 8:30 though we got a phone call from my doctor's office apologizing that they hadn't called yet but there were no open beds for patients being induced. I guess they need to keep so many available for mothers going into labor naturally and those with emergencies. Talk about disappointing!

I instantly thought they'd try to reschedule for the next day, but was surprised to find out that my doctor (Dr. Larkin) was working some insanely long shift (she told Ryan exactly how many hours and I was amazed) and would be there through the night and into tomorrow morning and so they would bring me in as soon as they had a bed available. They estimated that it'd be early afternoon sometime and that I should try to be as available as possible when they call. They also let me know that other than 2 women who were being induced for medical reasons, I was their first 'normal' induction on the list (sorry to any women out there who thought they'd get their Cinco de Mayo baby and were put on hold!) which was exciting that I wasn't just waiting to get through some long list of women for my chance.

Being that sitting around the house all morning seemed to be an impossible feat considering what was ahead of us we decided we'd try to run a few errands and get some breakfast at Bob Evan's. Since we were expecting to be delivering a child though, we didn't have any pressing things to do. I probably 'shouldn't' have been eating, but we didn't know when I was going in, which also meant we didn't know when I'd be able to eat again. As we finished paying and got in the car my phone rang and it was CCHS (the hospital) letting us know that there was a bed available and they'd like me there as soon as possible! EeK!

I remember the way they brought it up was like "do you think you can make it here in 15 minutes?" Almost like they expected us to be out of town or something. OF COURSE WE CAN MAKE IT THERE IN 15 MINUTES!

We ran home, grabbed the last of our stuff that wasn't already in the car and were on our way. My heart was beating about a million miles a minute and we were both beaming from ear to ear that it was finally here. We of course called our families as we were approaching the hospital and gave them all a heads up that I was going in and should have the baby by the end of the day or early the next morning! I really wanted the actual birth to be all about Ryan and I, so we didn't call our families until we got to the hospital, so we could check in without an entourage.

Let's Get Things Going:

Walking into the hospital around 10:45-11:00ish (?) I was still nervous, but also much more excited that SOMETHING was finally happening! I expected the check in process to be mind numbing and long, but it only took a couple of minutes until we were being sent up to the LND floor! We got into our room and the nurse was there waiting for us to get started.

After stripping down, they hooked me up to about a million different machines (my IV, blood pressure, fetal monitor, contraction monitor) and my doctor came in a few moments later to check me out. As I mentioned previously I was already dilated (4cm) and effaced (75%) so she went right on in and broke my water to get things going; what a weird and awkward feeling that was - not at all painful though, just weird. I remember when I was pregnant being afraid it would break and it would be painful - it wasn't - at all. It was so strange how much my stomach shrunk down just from releasing the fluids. Almost instantly after breaking my water there were minor little contractions coming every few minutes, but nothing I couldn't handle. Up until this point, I hadn't experienced any contractions, so it was interesting and new to (again) finally be progressing.

I had told the nurse before that I didn't want the Epidural until I felt I needed it, so I just sat there and took what came. None of it was too terrible (at first I could only feel my stomach tightening - no actual pain). After a little while it got to the point where I needed to relieve the pain a little by clenching my fist or focusing on something else, and knew that before long the pain would really be coming. I had never really had any traumatizing/painful experience before, so I'm a bit of a wimp. Labor was so scary to me, because I wasn't sure how I'd be able to handle the pain. It was fun to watch how "intense" they were on the monitor to see just how well I was handling it!

We had checked in around 11:00 and were probably all hooked up and rolling by 12:00...

Things are Really Rolling Now:

A little while later the pain became much more intense - Ryan had to hold my hand through it and we anxiously watched the monitor waiting for them to be done. So, I decided now was the time to ask for some relief - knowing it'd take a little time before I could actually get something (I wish I had times for all of this, but everything was seriously happening so fast that I don't even know at what time this happened - let's assume I asked for the epidural around 3:00ish??). Before long (maybe 20 minutes later) the anesthesiologist came in and it was time for the dreaded needle everyone talks about.

I had to sit on the edge of the bed with Ryan in front of me and my back to the doctor. I didn't even look at the needle thinking that it was probably for the best to not really know what was coming - you hear so many horror stories. There was one initial prick which was basically just numbing and a second after that, which actually placed the catheter. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected! After placing the catheter they gave a 'test' medicine which would determine if the tube was placed in the right spot. Typically the responses they're looking for that would potentially mean it was wrong are light headed-ness, funny bone reactions in your legs, etc. Within seconds I was super light headed and felt like at any moment I could pass out. Before I knew it I could feel some warm feeling going down my back. Apparently they had hit a blood vessel and needed to re-place the catheter. At this point my back was already still numb from the first prick and the contractions were getting worse (we had to wait for a contraction to pass before they would try again), so the second needle for the new catheter was no problem at all. Almost instantly I felt relief except for a little bit of a "pang" (is that a word?) of pain on the lower right hand side of my abdomen.

I let the nurse know about the minor pain and she said that it's normal to feel a little bit of pressure. Compared to the contractions this was nothing. We trucked right on through and I believe at some point during the epidural period Ryan went down and gave everyone a heads up that I had the epidural and things were rolling. When he came back up, he had a couple of gifts from some of our family. The thing that stands out most is "raw clyde". It was a dancing/singing stuffed cactus from my brother. I remember assuming this was a gift from him for his nephew, but he said he knew how nervous I was and it was actually a gift for me: to make me smile.

Here He Comes!

Shortly after the epidural was given and we had a little time to kind of sit around and wait I started to feel the sharp pain on my lower right hand side a little stronger (we'll say it was close to 5:00 now). With each contraction I could feel it more and I knew that it wasn't a good sign. Once or twice they hit the little button that gives the epidural a boost, but I insisted that it wasn't doing anything. Ryan called my nurse in and she checked me and called the anesthesiologist back in. When she was leaving she mentioned that she'd like to do it now to make sure I get relief before I'm 10 cm - because after that, there was no time for adjusting. I'm not exactly sure what he (the epidural man) did (I know he changed a cord of some sort) but it worked fairly quickly and the pain was subsiding. Almost minutes after he left my nurse came in and asked how I was feeling. I told her it felt much better and that I should be fine now - what pain I had felt, was pretty much gone. I could still feel the pressure of the contractions though and was very in tune with my body and when contractions were coming and going.

Around that time my doctor poked her head in and checked me again. We asked her for a update so Ryan could run down and let everyone know where we stood and she said "oh, she's 10 cm - we're ready to push". Needless to say, he didn't get a chance to let everyone know!

When she said "you're ready to push" I expected to have the bed transformed into a more typical OB GYN bed with the leg supports and butcher paper, but none of that happens. Ryan stood to the left of me, the nurse to the right and my doctor sat at the end of the bed. It was not at all what you'd expect after years of movie watching. The lights were dimmed (from earlier) and it was all very relaxing.

As my doctor sat down at the end of the bed she told me that it should be a quick delivery because he was RIGHT there (she asked if I'd like to see in a mirror and I graciously declined) and ready to go - this was all around 6:15 or so. When the next contraction hit they let me know to start pushing and I got some great words of encouragement telling me that everything was going great. I remember being told I was a pushing champion and most of the time they didn't even need to tell me to push. As I said, I felt very in tune with what was going on that without anyone telling me, I just felt like I knew when to push.

In between contractions it was like a bizarre experience. We all relaxed (well, I did - the nurse and doctor - and even Ryan -were so mellow the whole time) and held random conversation. One specific conversation was Ryan and my doctor talking about Batman (Ryan was wearing one of his many batman t-shirts and the doctor was saying her son was a huge fan). It was so strange, but reassuring and soothing (if that makes sense). I was afraid of tearing or need to be cut, so at one point I even asked how things were going in that area. My doctor said I was stretching perfecting and it didn't look like I'd need any stitches. If things hadn't been so relaxing, I would have been worried something would go wrong. It just gave me that feeling that everything was going just fine and any second I'd hear my little guy crying. Boy could I have been any more correct. After only about 30-35 minutes of pushing he was out and in my arms.

No matter how aware I was that I was pregnant and we were going to be having a child it was still such a strange and exciting moment to finally get to hold him in my arms. He was perfect and so adorable. I'm sure every parent thinks that their baby is the cutest thing ever, but I'm totally convinced he is the most precious.

After-Birth Stuff

I remember watching specifically when Ryan cut the cord, but I honestly have no idea what happened 'down there' after I had him in my arms. I did very little to deliver the placenta and the doctor/nurses did all my cleaning up and such. I was so wrapped up in taking in every second of those first few minutes with my precious baby boy that any thing else going on around me was not important.

I only vaguely remember getting my couple of stitches from his premature arm. I saw the needle and thread going and asked what was happening. My doctor informed me that he had his little hand up by his ear and that cause a small tear, but nothing serious.

After they took him away with Ryan shortly after for his weight and everything else, I got disconnected from all my monitors and then Ryan being the super proud dad he is/was made a bee-line for the waiting room with camera in hand to spread the word that Jude Michael was finally here! I on the other hand sat there hold my little baby boy. Ryan wasn't there and the nurses were tending to their post-delivery duties. I remember he was crying at one point and I felt so incapable of caring for him. What should I do? What does he need? Do these women think I'm already a terrible mother? I had taken class after class at the hospital, but felt more unprepared then ever for those first few moments.

Before he was born, I felt confident I could get him latched on and sucking all on my own, but sitting there in the delivery room, I asked for help. The nurse - a young and very friendly girl dropped what she was doing to come help. I can't remember the details of it, but I know he latched on and even though I didn't feel like a professional, things no longer seemed as intimidating.

As I said, Jude was crying those newborn tears at first, but not too long after, he was wide awake and alert, taking in everything going on around him. His deep blue eyes heavy from his big day were yearning to stay awake, not wanting to miss one second of this new world.

After getting everything settled in our delivery room, we were told it'd be a little while before we'd be escorted down to our room we'd be staying in, so Ryan started to usher people up to LND a few at a time to meet Jude. That of course happened so quickly and before we knew it we were in the recovery room and completely unaware of how to take care of such a small baby.

All I wanted to do after having Jude was hold him and look into his beautiful blue eyes. Having guests come up and hold him and coo at him was wonderful, but at the same time overwhelming. We had all had a long day, so it was a bit of a relief to hear that visiting hours were over and once we went to our room, Ryan and I could really have a chance to take it all in.

Stay tuned for "Hospital Adventures" and "The First Few Days at Home"...

*** this post was edited slightly 1/21/10.

I'm being induced tomorrow...

... and no matter how much I think about it or how prepared I feel, it's really not hitting home.

I know it should. I know he's coming. I know I'm excited/nervous/eager/scared/anxious (all those natural feelings).

But it's amazing that 'something' (someone!!) can be made from 'nothing' (sperm, egg, DNA, all that scientific mumbo-jumbo). That 9 months ago (well, just over 9 months ago for this stubborn little guy), this baby inside of me didn't exist, then by some twist of fate these two little parts met up, made a cell and grew into this moving/functioning being. That he was pretty much surviving on his own inside of me for the past 9 months and now will require so much care and attention. That eventually he'll be a full grown person... (with an attitude, personality, and dashing good looks). That this will eventually come full circle and he'll be having a family of his own!!!

SO WEIRD!

My Monday Off

What a great day to be off work! It's rainy crappy weather and I had no where I HAD to be. This morning I woke up earlier than I expected to and didn't really have much to do. I fiddled around online, read a little, watched some TV and was guilt-ed into lunch. While out to lunch I ran to Best Buy with brother Bryan to look at cameras. Before heading back home I swung in to pick up dry cleaning and then was able to relax on the couch.

Currently just about all my laundry is done, my house has been cleaned, everything is about as ready as it can get for Jude and the bags are packed and ready to go. There's really nothing left for me to do. I'm beginning to go a little stir crazy (and just crazy in general from the family phone attacks!) so am pretty glad that I didn't have a lot of time off before I delivered, to piddle around. If it were a nicer I'd take a walk or find somewhere to drive around to, but this is more of a curl up in a ball on the couch and watch a movie kind of day.

I'm just hoping that everything goes as planned tomorrow; we get our phone call between 4 and 8 and are well on our way to having our little man in our arms this time tomorrow evening. I don't think I could take another day of waiting around, explaining "the next steps" and everything else.

The sign on my door...

... reads "Happy Due-Date Mommy - I can't wait to meet you" from 'Jude' (who's hand writing looks surprisingly similar to his Aunt Meghan's!). Apparently when Jude crawled out of my womb in the middle of the night, hung the sign on the door and crawled back into my womb, he didn't take time to READ what it was that he was putting up.

He obviously doesn't seem too eager AT ALL to meet me :( Or maybe he just feel as close as he ever could right now. Either way.

He's holding on tight. We're 3 days past due right now. I've had no contractions, no real discomfort, so complaints at all.

Tonight we may be heading over to the Woodland's for dinner... we'll see if that gets him going at all.

My Last Day of Work

As I mentioned previously, today was my last day of work before maternity leave. I walked in this morning to the typical "you're still here!'s" that I've been getting for over a week now. Of course I got a number of questions that I've answered a million times about what the next step is, if any thing's happening, etc.

Being that I won't be in the office for the next 8 weeks I needed to filter any of my pending work out to others in the office. In the beginning part of the day I pretty much wrapped up anything I could. I had to hound our vendors for answers, beg for credits and fill in the guys in the field with any updates. I was already getting anxious to leave, so by lunch time I had no interest in working! I trucked on through though, took my typically early lunch and was back at my desk for the afternoon. At that point anything that was still sitting on my desk needed to be distributed for good. I made my rounds passing out assignments, giving people updates and just making sure everything would be handled.

I already had my "out of office" on for my Outlook explorer, so the e-mails were starting to slow down quite a bit - with the exception of well-wishes from the people I frequently deal with. After getting everything off my desk I thought I'd be sitting around twiddling my thumbs for a couple of hours until it was time to leave (or until they graciously let me leave early) but I was wrong. I was still getting phone calls from vendors and employees asking me to finish some last minute favors for them. I did the best that I could and pretty much worked right up until 4:30 when it was time to leave.

I thought for sure that leaving today would be like this huge weight lifted off my shoulders - that I'd blast the radio all the way home and want to dance and celebrate the next eight weeks of freedom, but it really just felt like any other Friday. I think it's going to take waking up Monday morning with nowhere to be for me to realize that I don't have work for the next two months!

In the event that I don't go into labor this weekend on my own Monday will be "my" day to sit around the house, cuddle with the puppies, read a book or run some small errands before our big day on Tuesday!

The ‘Big’ Day

Today is my due date. Over the past few days the anticipation for today has been mounting. I’m eager to get into the doctor’s office and see what’s going on. I’m eager to meet my little man. I’m eager to schedule my induction and find out the next steps. I’m eager to move on past being pregnant and start adjusting to having a child in the house. I’m eager to be done with work for the next few weeks so I can focus completely on our child. It’s exciting and a little scary to thinking about what’s ahead of us.

What I’m not eager about though is the actual pushing. Even before getting pregnant I would have told anyone that I’m not afraid of being pregnant. I’m not afraid of being a mother. I’m not even terrified of the terrible twos or parenting a teenager. However, the X number of hours from the beginning of labor until I’m holding him in my arms scares the Sh*t out of me. I’ve never experienced any ‘real’ pain, so the unknown is intimidating (and even if I HAD experienced pain the unknown would be intimidating!).

Now, anyone reading this who has a child of their own may be thinking “oh it’s not that bad!” or “it can’t be that bad if people have multiple children” or “you’ll forget all about it!” and I totally believe you – but nothing you say can really calm my fear right now. When people use words like “popping” to describe their water breaking, or “tearing” to describe what happens if your vag can’t spread fast enough, it just doesn’t sound ‘good’. Not to mention always hearing how ‘big’ the epidural is doesn’t help either. Last but not least, when you hear that at one point or another the contractions will be so strong you can’t talk through them it just doesn’t seem appealing.

I know the biological process, I know what’s happening. I know the Oxitocin is causing the uterus to contract, the pressure from the contractions causes the cervix to dilate and all that good stuff. I know that the second the pain and pushing is over that my body will release another hormone that will make me ‘forget’ the pain and encourage bonding with the little devil that caused it all. I know that once it’s over I will look at his little face, his tiny hands and be the happiest person in the world. I know from the second I deliver my uterus will start to shrink and I’ll be on my way back to my “normal” body. But I’m still afraid of the pushing and contractions! Part of me thinks “I’d be fine with him staying put…” – obviously I don’t mean that, I want him here, I just wish he could magically move from my uterus to my arms.

Laying in bed last night I was thinking about it a lot more and was almost afraid of going into labor in the middle of the night. I just kept thinking “oh god! I’m not ready!” when it reality, now is just as good a time as any.

I’m sure I’ll come back and blog after I have him and say how wonderful it was and how it wasn’t as terrible as I had expected and all that good stuff… but again, it just doesn’t help right now…

Yesterday was my last Monday...

As my due date approaches (tomorrow!!) and we get closer and closer to the 41 week deadline all I can seem to think about is “any minute now”. I am more than eager to get into my appointment tomorrow afternoon and see where we are, if I’ve progressed at all, if scheduling to be induced is necessary, etc.

My last day of work has been open ended for quite some time. Do I work through my due date? Will my doctor write me out early? If she doesn’t write me out, will I work up until 41 weeks (when I’m induced)? I just didn’t have an answer to that question because I really didn’t know the process. When I brought it up to my doctor they continued to tell me “you’re fine to work until you’re induced”. Which basically means “until the baby’s in your arms, you’re not getting any time off”. This was a little disappointing, but what I had been telling myself I’d be doing since I started making my end-of-pregnancy plans.

However, last night I talked to Ryan and we decided I’d be done work by Friday, no matter what. So, yesterday was my last Monday morning… until the beginning of July! Crazy!

We Made it Through Another Weekend

When I left work on Friday a number of my co-workers were convinced that I would not be coming back on Monday. Part of me was buying into their hypothesis but I knew I shouldn’t. Obviously they were wrong and so here I am back at my desk to start my week.

While I haven’t delivered I have noticed a little increase in movement and what I can only describe as “stretching” (whether there has been any stretching or not, we’ll have to wait for Wednesday’s appointment). As my doctor said, I could go any day now (or not go until they induce me) I’m basically a walking time bomb…

Mom (to-be) Day Out

Saturday Ryan had work and I woke up with no plans for the day. After crawling out of bed a little later than usual I made a point to tackle a little bit of cleaning around the house before I got a call from Barbie asking what I was up to. We decided to head over to Babies R Us to look around as it was such a nice day out. As I posted before, I'd love to get Jude the Jeep walker so I thought I'd check it out. It of course was just as adorable in person, but I wasn't sure that it was something I have to have right now.

I currently have two gift cards/store credits, some 15% off coupons and some 'R Us credits (for spending so much there!) and thought for sure I'd find something that I 'needed'. Honestly though, there's nothing that we really truly need - we were lucky enough to have gotten plenty of stuff for our shower. I made the "responsible" decision to wait until Jude arrives before buying anything else. I figured this way we could get him home and figure out if there's something we'll need that may have just slipped our minds.

After lunch we got a bite to eat and came back to the house to hang out for a bit.

Have I mentioned that Trent was with us through the day? He was such a good boy through all the running around and by the time we got back to our house he was all tuckered out and slept just about the whole time. When Barbie first walked in with him, Buddy was curious to see what was in the car seat. He did his share of sniffing but eventually let him go. While he was napping and Barbie and I were chatting away he would go over and sniff around at the car seat trying to figure out what exactly this thing that occasionally made noise was all about.

He got bored with him until Trent woke up and I was giving this little guy more attention then I was Buddy. He started to jump up on me a little and wanted to get close to Trent, but for the most part was pretty gentle. I'm fairly confident that when we get Jude home Buddy will be very interested in him for the first day or two before losing interest all together (until he gets bigger and starts pulling his tail and becoming friends).

Pre- 39 Week Check-in:

Doctor’s visits:

Tomorrow is my 39 Week check up! I find that the past couple of weeks I have been getting more and more anxious between visits to figure out what exactly is going on. I generally feel some-what insecure going out and about not knowing whether if at any second I should expect my water to break or if I haven’t progressed at all in the past week. Having a doctor tell me exactly where I am generally soothes the nerves a little.

In addition tomorrow will be my first visit with ‘my’ doctor in quite some time (maybe even before Disney??). Typically when I made my appointments they’re scheduled with who ever could see me the latest in the day so I could miss as little work as possible – not to mention it’s good to meet the different people would could possibly be on call when/if I go in labor naturally. I really like my doctor and so I’m anxious to see her and ask her any final questions that are floating around in my head.

Unfortunately Ryan may be in Dover working tomorrow so he may not be able to be there, which makes me a sad. I’d hate for some big/exciting conversation to come up and him not be there for it. Originally my appointment was scheduled for 3:30 but they called to move it up to 2:00 because my doctor would be leaving early tomorrow. Had it stayed at the original time he probably could have made it.

My Emotional State:

As time progresses I’m getting less and less sleep. I’m not sure if it’s my body’s way of preparing for what’s to come or if sleep is just getting that difficult, but I have been ‘dragging’ at work the past week. I’ve found that if I go to bed before Ryan it’s not as bad, because then I don’t lay there concentrating on his snoring – but it’s not uncommon to wake up in the middle of the night to pee and not be able to fall back asleep. Pair that with a 75lb dog taking up half of our Queen size bed and… well, you get the picture.

What’s strange is that even though I feel like I’ve been getting more and more tired while at work, the second I get home I’m non-stop. I have an on-going list of things to accomplish that continues to grow (never shrinks). No matter how much I tell myself I’m going to go home, sit down and take a nap I just can’t seem to do it. Last night for example I scrubbed our downstairs bathroom, did laundry, washed Jude’s cloth diapers, tidied up our room, went grocery shopping and who knows what else. Before I knew it, it was time for bed and I didn’t get a chance to relax.

Preparing my Exit:

A few months ago there was someone hired at work to take my position. Before too long the economy got the best of us and she was laid off. I had previously trained her to take over for me and was beginning to shuffle things her way when the big adjustment came that I’d have to train a variety of people through out our office to do bit sand pieces of my job. It didn’t take long to get this covered, but it’s not as easy at this point to start getting things off my plate because I feel bad enough that they’ll be doing my job for two months – let alone for the next X weeks.

So, instead I am diligently trying to get things as organized and in order as I possibly can! I make detailed notes on everything, separate things/combine things as needed to be as comprehendible as possible, etc. Instead of looking at things from my perspective I look at it from the angle of someone who’s never done what I do and try to leave at the end of the day so that if ANYONE came in the next morning, picked up my pending work and sat down at my desk they would know what needs to be done.

Yesterday in particular I just had this strange feeling and kept thinking “I don’t think I’m going to be here tomorrow”. Typically I leave work right at 4:30 – but I found my self here close to 5:00 getting things in order JUST IN CASE. Obviously my instincts were wrong, but at least I’m more prepared now and hopefully all set for whatever may happen.

Being ‘ready’ in General:

People constantly ask me “are you ready”. Before I had always said “let’s just wait until the bathroom’s done” but at the rate it’s going I won’t have my baby until the end of the summer (I hope that’s an exaggeration). But in reality I’m ready when he is. If it happened tonight or in 2 weeks I’m fine with it either way as long as it’s the right time for him!

Typically though, I think they mean are you ready with all the ‘stuff’ you need. In that sense, then yes. I’m totally ready. The car seat’s installed, my bag is pretty much packed, the nursery’s ready to go, all his clothes are washed, etc. There are a handful of minor things that could be done, but they’re all pretty small and honestly don’t matter that much. I could probably complete them all in a night if I just set my mind to it – I just haven’t yet.