Where has the time gone?

I often wonder at what point your baby becomes your toddler... when does you toddler become a child? a teenager? an adult? Is it those milestone birthdays?

For someone you don't see every day, these transformations happen in segments. You see the infant grow into an adult in pieces at thanksgivings, Christmases and Birthdays. Then, before you know it, you're marveling over how quickly the time has gone. I'm currently doing this with my younger siblings. One is about 10 years younger and the other 15 years younger. I see them every now and then and always catch myself wondering when the little kid who used to tag along behind us turned into this rebellious teenager. I remember at the rehearsal dinner for my wedding, my brother Scott was standing next to me. For some reason I looked down and realized he was not standing on the curb next to us. He was in fact standing on the same level ground I was. However, somehow in a matter of a couple of months he had grown a whole head taller than me.








It then makes me wonder about my own child. At what point will he come running into my room in the morning without the soft round features of a child? Or even worse, at what point will he just not run into my room in the morning? When will those hugs. Those deep, amazing, loving hugs disappear? When will he start to be embarrassed at the thought of HUGGING HIS MOTHER IN PUBLIC? At what point will he not want to nap on me? But instead will prefer the solitude of his bedroom. Perhaps even locking the door behind him so that I can't creep in just to watch him peacefully sleep? When will the nursery become his bedroom - and eventually be plastered with posters and other relics of his interests?

Already, it feels like he's been part of our family forever... while other times it seems like just yesterday he was born.







At what point in his life will it come time to pack up all of his toys and eventually turn his bedroom into just another guest room... in what will be an over sized home for just Ryan and I?




What about making him laugh? Everything I do makes him laugh... he laughs just because I laugh. He laughs at the dog running down the steps. But even I know that eventually... I won't be funny to him.






Every day I look forward to discovering new pieces of Jude's personality - his attitude, his taste, his cuddly-ness. I look forward to seeing the types of friends HE choses for himself, instead of the ones that we chose for him. But, it's times when I sit here and wonder about his future that I try to hold on to who he is today too. It's times like today that I want to hold him instead of holding his hand while he tries to wabble around. That instead of going for a run, I sit on the couch and let him nap in my arms. That I don't regret the decision to let him sleep with us in bed - and that I'm grateful for the times that he lets me carry him. It's times like today that I put the camera away and instead of making a memory through film, I'm making a real memory.






The past couple of weeks I have been filling every waking hour with preparations for Jude's first birthday. Finishing touches on the house, landscaping the front yard and deciding on details for the party. But I think about it and wonder if I'm just filling this time to avoid the truth. My son is turning one. The first year of his life is quickly coming to a close. This first year, he has probably learned and experienced more for the first time than he will for the rest of his many years to come. He has more than doubled in weight, acquired a variety of motor skills, is beginning to communicate and recognizes those people who chose to make themselves a significant part in his life. While his future holds an endless amount of possibility, I'm pretty sure this first year is the most significant part of his future. I'm so thankful that I've had the opportunity to spend this time with him.







But even though I'm nervous about the future... about growing beyond this period of infancy, I'm excited. I'm excited to see the person he becomes and the interests that he has. I look forward to teaching him more and watching him grow.






And yes, I'm even looking forward to his teen years. The years where I'm sure I'll want to pull my hair out and scream. I look forward to reading back over these blog entries and thinking about all of the things that he's done. How our family has matured and become complete with him.






As I say every month, I wish I could just bottle up a little bit of this 11-12 month old Jude. The Jude who just the other day was peacefully sipping away from a cup on the floor - and then I walked in the door. He threw the cup and if one can 'run' while they crawl, he ran, to me.





This Jude who is learning what things are and how they work. He loves using 'real' things. By real things, I mean things that grown ups use. He'll get his own screw driver while Ryan's working and mimic him. He'll grab his own wash cloth and dust like mommy. He'll try to figure out how to hook the hose back up to pop-pop's nail gun - because he knows it won't work without it.




Our outside time is teaching him new things too. He helps me pull weeds, he throws rocks and he eats strawberries (that aren't quite ripe) right off the bushes.




At one year, he has eaten at least 1 pound of dirty, but when tempted with a cupcake at his 1st birthday photos, he didn't want anything to do with it.

He still sucks his thumb, he still nurses and he still fondles my breasts as a source of security. He goes to sleep easily at night, but some how he know JUST when we're going to bed, because he begins to stir in his room to indicate that he wants to be in bed with us.

He says "what's that?" points and says "that" when he wants something and is just all together amazing. I look forward to the next year and can not wait to see what that brings for us.

But for now? I have a birthday cake to decorate :)

Side note: I'll be posting Jude's 12 month toy box picture later.

I've been going through old posts...

... and THIS still amazes me.

I'm being induced tomorrow...

... and no matter how much I think about it or how prepared I feel, it's really not hitting home.

I know it should. I know he's coming. I know I'm excited/nervous/eager/scared/anxious (all those natural feelings).

But it's amazing that 'something' (someone!!) can be made from 'nothing' (sperm, egg, DNA, all that scientific mumbo-jumbo). That 9 months ago (well, just over 9 months ago for this stubborn little guy), this baby inside of me didn't exist, then by some twist of fate these two little parts met up, made a cell and grew into this moving/functioning being. That he was pretty much surviving on his own inside of me for the past 9 months and now will require so much care and attention. That eventually he'll be a full grown person... (with an attitude, personality, and dashing good looks). That this will eventually come full circle and he'll be having a family of his own!!!

SO WEIRD!

I’m a blog stalker

I will openly admit that I’m a blog stalker. I stalk the blogs not only of friends, but of people I’ve never in my life met. People I have no plans on meeting and who probably don’t know that I even exist! Let’s not jump right to the assumption that I have a huge list of blogs that I visit every day, really there are only a small handful of them. Two of them are for the people described above (those who have no idea who I am). They are both photographers and I found their blogs because I regularly read my wedding photographer’s blog. So, it’s not so much that I just jumped right into some strangers life but was ‘guided’ there. I love photography, I love pictures, I love seeing and hearing the stories of different people’s lives. I love hearing how they met, what brought them together, the journey they have taken and where they’re headed. Typically the photographer doing the post will give some little blurb on what they loved most about a specific couple which can give so much insight into what their day was all about.

More importantly, I LOVE WEDDINGS. I don’t go to many wedding. I’ve been to quite a few family weddings, but only a small handful of friends’ weddings. Looking at these pictures from different wedding photographers (as lame as it sounds) make me feel like a part of these strangers most special day! I love to see the connection between the bride and the groom. It’s amazing how typically when you see them paired they just LOOK like they belong together. You can almost determine their style, their personality and their demeanor from the details they chose for their wedding day.




Even MORE importantly still, I loved MY wedding day! As I’ve blogged before I’m coming up on my 1st anniversary and even to this day we have frequent conversations with people about how much FUN our wedding was (I don’t want to brag… but I will). When looking at our wedding budget and trying to make a list of expectations Ryan had very little opinion (his choice!). The only thing he kept repeating was “I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to reach for their wallet that day” (whether for the bar, some sort of wishing well, dollar dance, whatever) and “I want to have a GREAT time – I don’t want a lame/serious wedding!” (that means dancing! Drinking! Laughing!). The rest was just fluff and I was responsible for it!


Even though at times planning got over whelming cutting down the guest list, meeting budget deadlines, etc, it was still such a FUN and EXCITING experience. I’ve told people before that I would never again pay that kind of money for one day, but I don’t regret doing it at all! Picking out “the” dress and then “the” other dress, cocktail napkins, rings, suits, rehearsal dinner, HONEYMOON, decorations, the shower, CAKE, the bachelorette party, invitations, THE MOVIE, stories from the bachelor party! Oh and sooo much more! Even though I didn’t have an endless budget, I’m pretty sure there isn’t much of anything I’d change about that day! Our friends and family were all there, they all seemed to have an amazing time, for about 99% of the time EVERYONE was getting along and Ryan and I laughed and enjoyed ourselves through the whole experience.

Now what does this have to do with blogs, other people wedding, and is there a point?? I’m getting there…

Today on one of the blogs I read regularly, there was a “guest” poster. It’s a new feature to this blog as typically Anna herself posts, but it was a great little post and I couldn’t agree with her more! Basically this person was commenting on whether to wear a veil on NOT to wear a veil (her original position was “NO!” because it’s not something she’d ‘typically’ wear):

“…Six months into marriage, I can say the point is this: it’s not your daily life, it’s your wedding. Because even if you’ve cast off the trappings of a religious or traditional wedding, there is deep meaning left still. Fact is, we get married, and we keep getting married in spite of the statistics, in spite of the challenges of melding two lives, because we are looking for meaning. We are looking for something more. More than cohabitation. More than jeans and a t-shirt… and that begins with a rite. With an occasion which demands a costume…”




“…I wore a white dress and a veil on my wedding day. I wore two things I would never ever wear in my daily life. Two things I will never wear again. Expensive? Maybe. But frivolous? No. Not when you do the cost benefit analysis. My exceptional costume let me go to an exceptional place, a place beyond the boundaries of my daily life. It let me participate in a fearless, crazy-blissful, transcendent, powerful, intimate wedding day…”

Again, I COULDN’T AGREE WITH HER MORE! When planning my own wedding, I didn’t have any intentions to wear a veil, in the end I did wear a little one and I thought it was one of the best parts of my whole ensemble! Like wise, since our wedding mine and Ryan’s lives have changed dramatically. We’re still the same people, but even in just under a year it’s crazy to look back over where we’ve been and what we’ve done. Even crazier is looking ahead and seeing how the path we were walking just a year ago has changed. It’s amazing what new expectations we have for each other, ourselves and our lives and how much better this plan looks than our former plan even – no matter how unexpected parts of it may seem.

Before when I would picture our first anniversary, I hoped for some huge celebration, some big event that day, a fancy dinner, a small vacation, something! But I really don’t see any of that happening. I see us sitting at home with our new baby running around the house hoping to find five minutes to acknowledge the day at all (will I even remember the date when it comes??) and that too seems fine! I’m just happy we’ve made it this far and I can’t wait for the years to come! It’ll be great to look back 2, 5, 10 years down the road and see how far we’ve come and what other changes there may have been in our “plan”.