I often wonder at what point your baby becomes your toddler... when does you toddler become a child? a teenager? an adult? Is it those milestone birthdays?
For someone you don't see every day, these transformations happen in segments. You see the infant grow into an adult in pieces at thanksgivings, Christmases and Birthdays. Then, before you know it, you're marveling over how quickly the time has gone. I'm currently doing this with my younger siblings. One is about 10 years younger and the other 15 years younger. I see them every now and then and always catch myself wondering when the little kid who used to tag along behind us turned into this rebellious teenager. I remember at the rehearsal dinner for my wedding, my brother Scott was standing next to me. For some reason I looked down and realized he was not standing on the curb next to us. He was in fact standing on the same level ground I was. However, somehow in a matter of a couple of months he had grown a whole head taller than me.
It then makes me wonder about my own child. At what point will he come running into my room in the morning without the soft round features of a child? Or even worse, at what point will he just not run into my room in the morning? When will those hugs. Those deep, amazing, loving hugs disappear? When will he start to be embarrassed at the thought of HUGGING HIS MOTHER IN PUBLIC? At what point will he not want to nap on me? But instead will prefer the solitude of his bedroom. Perhaps even locking the door behind him so that I can't creep in just to watch him peacefully sleep? When will the nursery become his bedroom - and eventually be plastered with posters and other relics of his interests?
Already, it feels like he's been part of our family forever... while other times it seems like just yesterday he was born.
At what point in his life will it come time to pack up all of his toys and eventually turn his bedroom into just another guest room... in what will be an over sized home for just Ryan and I?
What about making him laugh? Everything I do makes him laugh... he laughs just because I laugh. He laughs at the dog running down the steps. But even I know that eventually... I won't be funny to him.
Every day I look forward to discovering new pieces of Jude's personality - his attitude, his taste, his cuddly-ness. I look forward to seeing the types of friends HE choses for himself, instead of the ones that we chose for him. But, it's times when I sit here and wonder about his future that I try to hold on to who he is today too. It's times like today that I want to hold him instead of holding his hand while he tries to wabble around. That instead of going for a run, I sit on the couch and let him nap in my arms. That I don't regret the decision to let him sleep with us in bed - and that I'm grateful for the times that he lets me carry him. It's times like today that I put the camera away and instead of making a memory through film, I'm making a real memory.
The past couple of weeks I have been filling every waking hour with preparations for Jude's first birthday. Finishing touches on the house, landscaping the front yard and deciding on details for the party. But I think about it and wonder if I'm just filling this time to avoid the truth. My son is turning one. The first year of his life is quickly coming to a close. This first year, he has probably learned and experienced more for the first time than he will for the rest of his many years to come. He has more than doubled in weight, acquired a variety of motor skills, is beginning to communicate and recognizes those people who chose to make themselves a significant part in his life. While his future holds an endless amount of possibility, I'm pretty sure this first year is the most significant part of his future. I'm so thankful that I've had the opportunity to spend this time with him.
But even though I'm nervous about the future... about growing beyond this period of infancy, I'm excited. I'm excited to see the person he becomes and the interests that he has. I look forward to teaching him more and watching him grow.
And yes, I'm even looking forward to his teen years. The years where I'm sure I'll want to pull my hair out and scream. I look forward to reading back over these blog entries and thinking about all of the things that he's done. How our family has matured and become complete with him.
As I say every month, I wish I could just bottle up a little bit of this 11-12 month old Jude. The Jude who just the other day was peacefully sipping away from a cup on the floor - and then I walked in the door. He threw the cup and if one can 'run' while they crawl, he ran, to me.
This Jude who is learning what things are and how they work. He loves using 'real' things. By real things, I mean things that grown ups use. He'll get his own screw driver while Ryan's working and mimic him. He'll grab his own wash cloth and dust like mommy. He'll try to figure out how to hook the hose back up to pop-pop's nail gun - because he knows it won't work without it.
Our outside time is teaching him new things too. He helps me pull weeds, he throws rocks and he eats strawberries (that aren't quite ripe) right off the bushes.
At one year, he has eaten at least 1 pound of dirty, but when tempted with a cupcake at his 1st birthday photos, he didn't want anything to do with it.
He still sucks his thumb, he still nurses and he still fondles my breasts as a source of security. He goes to sleep easily at night, but some how he know JUST when we're going to bed, because he begins to stir in his room to indicate that he wants to be in bed with us.
He says "what's that?" points and says "that" when he wants something and is just all together amazing. I look forward to the next year and can not wait to see what that brings for us.
But for now? I have a birthday cake to decorate :)
Side note: I'll be posting Jude's 12 month toy box picture later.
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