An End to Pumping...

Have I mentioned that I hate pumping? Like really hate pumping? Like, the only thing that got me through pumping when I went back to work was knowing that I'd soon be out of work and pumping would become less common? That I hated paying over 10 dollars for what is basically a zip lock bag. That I hated that frozen breastmilk took up a good 1/4 of my freezer? That I hated cleaning the parts, breaking down the machine, etc. Well, I do. (Ok - maybe 'hate' is a strong word for some of the above). Even worse is getting off at 10 o'clock at night, coming home tired and wanting to just relax... but needing to pump.

Even though I hated it so much I did it. I did it because some weeks, I only needed to pump a couple times. I did it because I didn't want to wake up to swollen boobs. I did it because it was kind of a big deal for me to be able to say "Jude has never had formula" (like-wise, we did it to save money). I did it for a number of reasons.

There were plenty of times that I considered just giving up on it, finishing off what was in the freezer and just weening Jude off of his last suckling - or switching to formula, milk, or whatever (obviously I never got far enough to make a decision/research what I would do). But I didn't.

Just recently, I went into the freezer and saw that a good 60 ounces or so had expired. When I had to put it all down the drain, what really bothered me was all the time I spent pumping... doing something I hate doing... and here it is going down the drain. Then I started wondering how it could have all expired! We always use the oldest milk first. Then I realized a few things: 1. I hadn't worked much lately (and if I'm not working... he's nursing) 2. There are nights when he will go to bed without a bottle.

So it got me thinking... maybe it's time to stop pumping.

So, I started doing some research.

According to earthsbest.com, as your child reached 9-12 months, the number of feedings should drop to about 4. HAH! Jude is not a 4 times a day kind of guy! Jude gets 3 solid meals and somewhere around 6 nursings (is that a word?) a day. So, I made the decision that pumping is done. Ryan will continue to give Jude the milk in the freezer when I'm not home. I will continue to nurse him at bed time if I am home... but if for some reason my body adjusts to not having that last feeding - so be it. I'm sure if anything, it will work in our favor if Jude falls asleep on his own, without the aide of a bottle or a boob.

Really, at this point my biggest concern is consistency. I try to make things consistent for Jude. We have pretty regular nap times, pretty regular times he eats and pretty regular times that he nurses. Being regular while nursing is what keeps my supply going... as nursing mothers know. So, if I stop pumping... and continue working frequently, the few nights I am home, I probably will not be producing an adequate amount... which really stinks, because quite frankly, I enjoy nursing him to sleep and holding him in my arms.

But at the same time... this is the first step towards 'getting my body back'... and it feels pretty good.

To work... or not to work...

Question: if you didn't have to work (financially), would you quit? or continue to work?

Answer:

I see this question in 2 ways:

1. "if Ryan made so much money you didn't know what to do with it all, would you work?": No. If I could easily not work and still have all the things in life I want, like traveling, a finished house and an unlimited wardrobe, then no, I would not be working.

2. "if Ryan made enough money for you to pay all your bills and just get by, would you work?": Yes. I would work so that we could have the extra things in life mentioned above. I'll admit that I wouldn't care to work too much, but it'd be nice to have the money to play around with.

I sometimes thought I'd go crazy not working, that it's something I felt like I had to do... but not so much anymore. I think that the thing that bothers me most is being stuck int he house all day. If I have the option to go out and do something - anything, it instantly makes staying home easier.

becoming who/what I want to be

Question: I was recently updating my 101 list and was wondering if you have any news or updates on yours? I took a quick glance at your list a minute ago - and at the risk of sounding totally corny - I'd say (IMO) you can cross #1 off your list. You are so obviously meant to be a mommy. (dont let ryan see this, haha).

Answer: It's so funny that you ask this question (it wasn't really posed as a question, but I'm going to elaborate on it), because I already had this pending as a blog post. So, for the sake of answering your question, I changed my post a little and just combined the two.

For those of you who aren't sure what she's asking, here is #1 on my list of 101:
1. Start my 'career' (whatever that may be)

The other day I was thinking a little about where I am in my life. For once my days don't seem to be ticking by at some slow useless pace, I don't feel like I'm counting down the days to the next big event (a holiday, a day off, a vacation). I feel like I am trying to make the best of every moment. I sit down with Jude and truly try to enjoy our time together and I feel totally fulfilled. There really is nothing I would rather be doing right now than spending my time with him. Today, for example, we just sat and watched the rain for awhile, I played with my camera and took pictures of him exploring his toys. It was great.

We have little day trips out and about, we spend time with Uncle Bryan and Aunt Katy, we take time each morning to cuddle in bed (more to come on that), take our time getting dressed, exploring new foods and so much more. It's really great.

But I guess the real question is do I want to cross of #1? I don't think so. While for once in my life I feel like I'm doing something totally worthwhile and rewarding. I love every second, but when I'm done with being a 'stay at home' mother, I really do have high hopes to start a career and do something I love. I've had dreams of being a photographer, starting my own business, working with kids, continuing my college education in some way with a career in psychology and so much more. While being a mother is what I want right now, once Jude is in school... or I feel comfortable putting him in day care (my 'at home' time really has no set end date) I really truly hope to achieve something career-oriented. It's really a selfish goal as right now I'm giving 100% of me to my house, my husband and my son - so would eventually like to do something for me.

As for the rest of the list: I think the only item that really has had any progress was Jumping in leaves as posted previously. I do plan to in the near future skimming through to see if anything else is in progress, but I'm pretty sure there isn't anything else. I'll be sure to put up a post if I do any significant updating.

This was a gift from mom-mom, he just recently started to really get into it - he obviously doesn't put the shape in the holes, but he sure does chew on them.

My two sons...

Question: If you're a SAHM do you feel like it's a 'job'/career? Do you eventually want to get a job and contribute (more) to the income, or are you happy being at home? If you work, do you feel like being a mother is a second job?

It's Beautiful... and it's mine.

As most of you know, we tore out bathroom apart a few months ago. The plan was to have it finished for Jude to have a nice shiny bathroom to come home to. Well, one thing lead to another and it never happened.

Well, we determined that this week we would, without a doubt be working on the bathroom this weekend. Excited, on my break at work today I decided to wander around and check out some stuff we would be needing.

Somehow I ended up in the appliance department. It was fate.

I had been telling Ryan for quite some time now that my 'dream kitchen' would consist of a double in-the-wall oven and some sort of a cook top. Now when you price these items up individually, it's usually an insane price that he just laughs at. Tonight however, I came across this wonderful cook top that retails for over a thousand dollars. It was marked down to just under $700 and I told myself... "if only...".

Well, around the time I was practically drolling over this stainless steel, 36", 5 burner cook top, the appliance gentleman comes over to chat. He jokingly asks if I'd like to purchase a fridge and I tell him "sadly no, but I would love this little guy". He mentions being able to get the price lower and I perk up. HE WAS ABLE TO TAKE AN EXTRA 50% OFF OF THE SALE PRICE!!!

I called Ryan excited and was told "go for it"!

Unfortunately I don't have a kitchen to put it in... and will not have a kitchen to put it in for quite a while, but this will be the centerpiece which I design my future dream kitchen around and I can not be more thrilled!



Now I just need to find a similar deal for my double over, cabinets, counter tops flooring, lighting, etc and we'll be set!

Kenya feel me

At Lowes, there's a guy there who is from Kenya! To him, this isn't nearly as big a deal as it is to me, but it's fun to talk to him as some of what he's experienced/used to is so different from what's the norm around here.

For example, we had a discussion about Halloween. He had never heard of it and so seemed so confused when I tried to explain it. Think about it... how weird would it sound to hear that people put on costumes and walk around to collect candy?

Anyway, today he asked me how Jude was doing. He has a son of his own back in Kenya and so was asking what new things he was doing. Crawling? Teeth? etc. I told him about the Diaper Free thing I was trying and he totally 'got it'. He was telling (in broken english - I only understand so much of what he says) me how in Africa, there are the "north" and the "south". The people in the south are more old school and live in caves, etc. He said that they too train their children from a very young age to use the bathroom. However, in the city where he lives, the use diapers like the rest of the industrialized world.

It was very interesting!

Also, I thought I'd throw out the final stats for Jude from his first day:

3 misses
1 hit
1 miss
2 hits
a couple of misses while I was out of the house
1 hit

I'm not sure if that 100% accurate, but I know he went 5 times on the potty (there may have been more misses). As I was leaving for work, we put a diaper on him and I'm pretty sure Ryan didn't do anything.

Company Get-together

This past Saturday was Ryan's company picnic.

This is always a pretty good time! Ryan has been with his company for quite a few years now and so he's pretty friendly with a lot of the people at work. In addition to the guys that all work in Newark, the down-state team heads up for the picnic, so he has a chance to catch up with more old friends (and I get to catch up with some of their wives).

This year it was extra nice for me to see the people who I - up until about a month or two ago - was communicating with on a daily basis.

This year, the picnic was a huge success! J-romy from the service department catered the event and in my opinion, the food was delicious! I seriously stuffed my face!



Also, they had it at a new pavilion, had Jungle Jim there making balloon animals, showing off reptiles, a new moon bounce/slide, tug-o-war, and a softball match (service vs. commercial). It really was a great time!

Service Team:

Ryan and bat

Real men play sports.

In addition to all the above changes, it was fun to be there not only as a couple - but a family! Jude obviously wasn't old enough to enjoy all of the perks they had set up for the kids, but next year, I'm sure he'll be all over it! This year though, he at least got a little time in the grass:

And practiced his sitting:

And I layed him on the moon bounce and some kind little boy "jumped lightly". Jude was giggling.

155...

...is the number of ounces of breast milk I have stored in my freezer.

There was a point when I could without a doubt easily get 10 ounces in the morning while pumping. Somehow my body got on a routine where at about 5am I would wake up with a full boob that wanted to be expressed. At this time, Jude was sleeping beyond 5am, so he wasn't going to be doing the work. Instead, I would bust out with my pump and thus was the beginning of my freezer stash. I remember I used to think my 2-3 ounce "breast-sickles" I originally got were so tiny compared to the big old honkers I was pumping out every morning.

When I went back to work I knew I would not be pumping at 5am and so I slowly worked this pump out of my breast feeding schedule. I would make my body wait a little longer each day and was just sure that I fed him on that side first. While I didn't mind pumping, I just didn't want to do it in the morning and also while at work. So from that point forward, my pumping was simply to maintain my freezer stash.

Once I got into a routine at work, I began to dread pumping. I did it every day twice a day, no matter what (and for a little while that was in addition to going to see Jude at lunch time and feeding him then) but knowing that I would be leaving work and staying home was always the silver lining on my pumping cloud that really kept me going. I looked forward to feeding on demand and not cleaning bottles every night.

Around the time I was working full-time I remember counting the number of ounces I had frozen and it was somewhere well over the 200 mark. I really have no idea how much other women have frozen, and I'm sure it ranges from person to person, but I was happy with that amount. That worked out to more than 40 bottles (probably closer to 50+ because his bottles were only 4 ounces) so I was content. Had I kept the 5am pump going, I can only imagine what I would have had!

Through my time there I had my on and off pumping days. Some times I would get so much I was able to ADD to the stash, other time I wasn't getting enough and had to take away, while most days I got just enough. I probably should have been pumping three times a day to always get enough, but just didn't feel like it. Once I was home, I pretty much could care less about what was frozen - he was getting what he needed, when he needed it. Until recently the amount of frozen milk was not a big deal for me.

My current routine (for the sake of not having any milk go bad, as it can only be frozen SO long) is to have Ryan feed Jude the oldest milk in the freezer while I continue to pump each night and replace it.

Typically I try to time Jude's last feeding before I go to work to happen RIGHT before I leave. You're not supposed to have a breastfed baby on a schedule so this is often hard to do. Sometimes it requires him to eat when he's probably not really hungry (thus not really filling himself up) and other times it requires me to entertain him for 20 minutes or so to keep him from fussing for food. For the most part, this typically works. When it does, it's perfect because then he will only need one more feeding before he goes to bed. However, when it doesn't it can lead to more than one feeding.

Every night I work, I come home and pump to make up for missed feedings. I try to avoid pumping at work because I just can't imagine myself being very comfortable doing it at Lowes - it's nothing like the office setting I was used to and so I found myself going out to my car. My shifts are usually only 4-5 hours long, so if I feed him right before I leave it's not really messing me up too much. I can typically get more than enough to replace one feeding, but getting 2 is pretty rough.

Why am i telling you this? Because of the number above. 155.

After pumping tonight I decided to count what I had in the freezer and it's only 155 ounces. This is still a significant amount - I mean if I just stopped pumping after work I would have enough milk for one bottle for the next month - he'd be at least six months old before needing some sort of supplement. I'm still typically replacing what is taken each night - but obviously there's a lag somewhere/sometimes.

Between what I didn't replace while at work, people over feeding Jude when I'm not around, a busted milk bag and those nights he just needs to eat twice, things are decreasing (I'm not naming any names...). Considering Jude is already 5 months old and still only ever fed breastmilk, I would be bummed if I needed to start supplementing with formula now. I'm not against it at all... but now it's like "oh I can do this!". It's almost like a mission for me to go with out formula all together - a challenge if you will. Lame - I know.

All of this makes me realize that I am even more eager than before to start Jude on some form of solids. After the first couple of days where we'll probably feed him earlier in the day to watch for allergic reactions, he will probably be getting his solids in the evening and so this will maybe cut back on how much breastmilk he is consuming while I'm not around. He and Ryan can have their little man bonding time over rice cereal and pureed veggies. It'll be sweet - and a slight relief for my lovely ladies.

Lowes: Pumping, Friends, Lack of working full-time, and my opinion in general...

Question: when you have some time would you mind talking a bit about your part time job. Maybe touch on how you like it so far, how pumping fits into your schedule, how coworkers react to pumping, if you've made any friends, etc.

Do you ever "miss" working full time?

Answer:

A. The job is going fine. To this point I've had a nice mix of training and "hands on". I'm a cashier and so it's not exactly the most difficult job in the world. It's nice getting out of the house a little, but I still miss little man. However, it's nice that Ryan and Jude get a little bonding time. Perhaps the worst part is that I don't have a set schedule. Now when I plan anything for the evenings or the weekends I have to put in a request off. If I get invited some where last minute i have to check my schedule to see if I can go. I really haven't missed this since I start working full time on a set schedule how ever many years ago.

However, for the most part it's not a bad job. The pay is actually pretty good considering what I'm doing and for the most part the customers haven't been too bad. Oh - it was a little "embarrassing" (not the right word) when I ran into one of my high school teachers the other day. I felt like I needed to explain why I was working as a cashier... when really, I don't need to. It's my business. But what can you do?

Now for the long part:

B. Pumping. When I brought up the issue of pumping at work I was not at all nervous, embarrassed or hesitant. I told them I would be pumping, it was no big deal and I left it at that - people know and we all made jokes about it. However, for some reason it wasn't so easy when I brought it up to Lowe's. It honestly had slipped my mind during my interviews and so I arrived the day of orientation with my pump in hand, not sure how to go about saying "I need somewhere to plug this in". Jude was at home with Meghan. I didn't expect her to bring him up and I wasn't planning on going home.

Lunch time rolled around and I still hadn't brought up pumping. So, I hoped in my car (meghan's car actually), hooked up to the machine (thank goodness for my car adapter) and took care of business in the back of the parking lot with a blanket covering my chest. It was uncomfortable and I think my nerves affected my milk, because I hardly got anything. Really, I didn't need much since I have 200+ ounces in the freezer anyway so it was just to keep my body on schedule.

Shortly after heading back in after lunch I couldn't get time 100% alone with HR, so took my first semi-opportunity and threw it out while in the training room (we were all breaking for a quick tour of the building so I thought I'd grab him while I could (there were people around, but it was semi-private) that I nurse my baby and was wondering if it's something they've dealt with before as I'd need a "pump" room. The HR manager looked at me with a confused look that confirmed they had never had this situation and he wanted to know what a pump room was. I gave it a minute to sink in and once it did he had a very "oh god, how am i going to handle this" look on his face. I quickly added that I really wouldn't mind doing it in my car (my car has tinted windows and is a little higher off the round than meghan's), but once it gets cold out I'll need something indoors. He said he would work on it and get back to me. To this point I haven't heard anything (he probably forgot), but Ryan informed me there's a family style bathroom that would probably suit my needs just fine for my random pumping. I was after all, using the restroom at my previous job which had a chair set up for me and everything.

When getting my schedule for the week following orientation, I was grateful that I only had 4 hour shifts. Ryan and I discussed it and he would drive me to work. By having Ryan take me to work it allowed me to feed Jude RIGHT before going in to work. I had a break in the middle of my shift, so Ryan brought Jude up for my break and I fed him in the car. Then (keeping Jude out JUST past his bed time) Ryan would bring him with him to pick me up. I would get off at 9 and he'd eat one more time before going to sleep for the night. Jude typically eats every 2-3 hours (heading more towards the 3 hour mark) and even though you're not supposed to put a breast fed baby on a schedule, that's kind of what we were doing for the sake of not having to pump.

Friday is my first day working a 5 hour shift. From experience with Ryan's Lowe's time I know that working the closing shift often means you're not done on time and so I am not going to work Jude's eating schedule around work. Ryan and I discussed that I'd still try to feed Jude as close to going to work as possible and if he happens to have not eaten around the time I go on my break then Ryan will bring him up and I'll feed him. If not, I'll have my pump on hand and I'll just pump instead. Also, his last feeding of the night I'll do the same thing - but since I'm getting off at 10, I'll probably be pumping when I get home - he will with out a doubt be asleep by then.

So, the pumping issue will be resolved on an "as needed" basis. I will try to avoid pumping as much as possible as I didn't really enjoy it at all while I was working full time. But I'm more than willing to pump as needed and use the freezer stash while I'm working if our schedules don't jive. Since my schedule will be so irregular, to say "Jude will get a bottle at X time" is unrealistic - so we'll have to make it work based on my fluctuating schedule.

C. No, I have not made any friends at this point. I've talked to a handful of people who seem pretty nice. The biggest downfall is a lot of people are really hardcore about working there and I'm just there for the sake of being home with my son... so I can't seem to relate to their excited-ness about work... I wouldn't say I'm really there to make friends anyway. I'm not trying to be antisocial, just get in and get out.

D. I miss working full time from time to time. I don't miss work, I think I miss being "in the loop". Before, Ryan and I could have work conversations and I knew what was going on, but now I don't. So, as lame as it sounds, I miss it a little. Also, even though I had my moments, I feel like I was pretty good at what I did. I liked having people who kind of relied on me.. but I'm getting over it.

Hired

Today was my first day at Lowes. As Ryan and I have discussed, it will be good for me to get out and have some adult interaction (and have an income), but at the same time I'm going to miss 100% Jude time.

I got the call last week that they wanted to interview me and by the end of the week was told I had the job and would have orientation on Thursday (today). It was pretty boring. We watched a series of videos and filled out a little paperwork - luckily we seemed to finish earlier than expected.

Perhaps the most depressing part about going back to work is pumping. I didn't miss it at all. However, since most of my shifts will be in the evening, I'll need about 1 pump and that's about it (maybe one when I get home), depending on how the times work out. I mentioned today to the HR manager that I would be needing a "lactation room" and he seemed confused at first and then was like "ohh!". This was after lunch/after I had already pumped in my car (it was nice out, what the heck?) so I told him he had time to figure it out. I was informed by Ryan when I got home that there's a family-style bathroom (one large bathroom with a lock, etc) that I could use if I had to - I'm fine with that.

So I'm officially employed again - come ooooonnn income!

Almost Employed

So, I quit my job shortly after going back to work after maternity leave. I stayed on board for a few weeks to see how long it'd be before a replacement came along. Once they found a replacement, I was out the door within a week and a half, leaving me no real time to search for a job.

I didn't mind too much though, I was looking forward to catching up on a little of my Jude and mommy time. Not to mention get the house back in order and enjoy the end of my summer. However, there are still bills that need to be paid and I had no income - not a good mix.

I tried to think of a way to avoid having to go work somewhere and thought 'what about a before and after school care?!' School is/was just around the corner and I thought that it could be a great solution for families. In addition, I'd get the afternoons with Jude and not have to work in the evenings. I went as far as to hang up a sign in the front of my neighborhood.

Well, a couple days after hanging it I got a phone call from a mother in my neighborhood. She worked in Philly and her husband works in DC. Their one son was older and could stand to be home alone, but the other was much younger. We talked and she seemed interested and I sent her a little information I had put together. That was about Monday - here we are Thursday though with no response :(. I know it hasn't been that long, but considering schools are starting, I'm thinking it was a flop. Maybe the sign went up too late? Maybe there just aren't enough kids in the neighborhood?

Either way, on Tuesday I got a phone call from Lowes. I had put an application in a couple days after leaving my full-time job. They asked me to come in right away for an interview so I did. I had three interviews that night and was out the door feeling confident. They had to run a background check and said they'd be back with me by the end of the week.

At the time I was still hanging on to the glimmer of hope for the before and after school care, but right now I'm thinking I'll be a Lowes employee before I know it. But, I'm fine with that. I'm just grateful that I can stay at home during the day with my little munchkin - he's in bed by 8 anyway, so I will only be missing out on like 3 hours with him. Not bad.

El Fin

Tomorrow is my last day working full-time! I told Ryan today that I'm getting a little nostalgic even though I'm thrilled to be able to stay at home!

I was supposed to already have a part time job lined up for after I was done, but because i just found out about a week ago when my last day was, I haven't even really began to look for anything.

I hope that I'll start really searching this weekend (while applying at my fall back Lowe's tonight) that way I can maybe have a little time at home with out any work before starting up with my evening work.

I know that since I'm done tomorrow I should stop caring so much, but it's been so hard for me to just leave work behind. I am worried that I'll leave and my replacement won't feel prepared, I'm worried that someone will blame me if purchasing falls apart (which I'm sure it won't!). Both are stupid fears, but for some reason that's all I keep thinking about while I'm there.

But either way, I'm excited to be done! Friday Ryan and I should be taking a little day trip, saturday is berry picking with Meghan and Sunday is T-shirt/craft day at Barbie's!

Let the fun begin!

And the winner is...

Option #3: Stay at home and work part time in the evenings.

I went to work on Friday and told my immediate supervisor that I would be leaving no later than mid-late August. This would give them until the end of the summer to find a replacement and have me train the replacement (if that's what they want). I thought this was more than fair considering I basically had them on hold the last 2 months.

Part of me feels bad having told them I'd be back and then bailing 2 weeks later, but I honestly didn't see this coming. I thought for sure I'd want to go back (well, to some degree).

All in all, I'm very excited for the what the future holds. It may be challenging and will inevitably be a big change in life style, but I honestly feel it's for the best.

Decisions

As we approach the end of my second week back to work, a lot has changed. Jude is no longer in day care and will instead have an in-home nanny during the day (courtesy of the Bowman family) while I’m at work. This option is only a temporary patch as Katie will be going back to school at the end of the summer and will no longer be able to watch Jude.

After a pretty poor experience with our previous day care (I won’t get into the details right now) I have no interest in putting Jude into day care. Nothing against people who do chose day care, I just didn’t get a good one the first time around and being that he’s only 2 months old, I can’t imagine putting him through 3 or 4 others until I find the right one.

This leaves us with a number of options and only about a month and a half to come to a conclusion.

Option One: I stay at work, we do a lot of research, a lot of interviewing and spend a lot of money every month to have Jude in the day care of our choice.

Option Two: I work from home for the company I work for. I’ve already raised the question to them about whether it’s even an option. I’m still waiting to hear back on their decision. From what I’ve gathered though, it probably won’t happen.

Option Three: I get a part time job for the evenings and stay at home with Jude. This option is only unattractive because it would mean very minimal time with Ryan as we would probably end up working totally opposite hours. It would however probably make us appreciate our time together much more.

Option Four: I don’t work at all. We are poor and probably lose our house. (kidding about the losing out house – but it would make for a tight financial situation.
We know which option we’re leaning towards most, but no final decisions have been made. I’m hoping that no later than the end of this month we’re working towards one option or the other though.

My First Day Back

Here I sit blogging when there are a million things I should be doing to prepare for tomorrow... but I thought I'd share a little about my first day back to work.

I'll start from the very beginning (hoping to finish before Jude wants his final meal - well I got 1/2 way through - now I'm back).

I woke up at 5:00 this morning. The past few nights Jude as been sleeping until at least 6am, but I specifically woke him up at 5:00 for the sake of a convenient morning feeding schedule. I figured wake up and eat at 5, eat again right before 7, and go to work (as much on-the-boob feeding as we can!). The morning started out great - we were ahead of schedule, I had plenty of cuddle time before getting ready for work and since I had prepared all of our bags the night before I was ready to go.

I started to get emotional when I bundled Jude up in his car seat, but I told myself I'd stay strong. We got him to daycare and everything seemed to be very smooth! The kids were happy for the most part (except for the kid who's mother look very unpleasant and just threw him in the room). I share with them Jude's last feeding, diaper change, when he woke up, etc. They seemed very responsive and then the worst part of the morning: I realized I forgot his breast milk at home!!!

I had dropped off some frozen milk the week before to have as back up, but didn't want to risk it not being enough. SO MUCH FOR BEING AHEAD OF SCHEDULE!! I had to run home (not a long drive, but not convenient - especially since Ryan left my car with very little gas) get the milk and come back.

Jude was already out of his car seat and I figured this would be a nice "ease into it" moment so I left him with the staff and ran home, he seemed so content and that made me feel good. I was back in about 20 minutes with my "breast-sicles" (as Josh calls them) and walked into an unpleasant scene.

The staff was caring for the kids, but there were so many unhappy kids, adjusting to the morning I suppose. Jude was laying on the floor (clean! not dirty - there are no shoes allowed in the infant room) next to the previously unpleasant child. The previously sad child was now screaming and Jude was whining next to him. He didn't seem REALLY upset, just crying to be picked up. I immediately got teary eyed thinking that for the next 7-8 hours he would not be getting 100% of someone's attention... forgetting the breast milk at home HAD to be one of the worst things I could have done... I think the morning would have gone much more smoothly had I left while he was happy.

I said my goodbyes as quickly as I could and basically ran to my car. On my way out, the staff encouraged me to call and check up at any time. I fall apart the second I get in the car and of course had to call Ryan. I told him about Jude crying on the floor staring up at the white ceiling tiles, the little boy screaming, the kid with the runny nose and much much more. I felt like a terrible mother. Why have a child just to throw him/her into daycare??

Ryan told me to go to work for as long as I could, at least try to make it to lunch and then go pick him up and go home. I then had a much more achievable goal to reach (alright! just 4 hours!) and calmed myself down on the 15 minute drive to work. Of course I'm bombarded with people asking how my morning went, which only made me think of him more and get me even more worked up. Since I was pumping at work, I broke my morning up into two halves (only 2 sets of 2 hours!) making it even more achievable! I then find out that I have a meeting with one of my superiors at 11, again making my morning more bearable.

Before I knew it, 11 came around and without even needing to ask I was told if I needed to, I could go home early. I really contemplated it and so that instead I'd go to Jude's daycare for lunch and feed him/spend time with him and go from there. While on my way there I call to remind them not to feed Jude as I would like to during my visit and they said it was fine because he was asleep. When I came in, he was awake and peaceful in one of the care-givers arms (no, I don't know everyone's names yet). This of course made me feel much better. He smiled when he saw me and I melted.

He and I were given a room I could go in to nurse him and I spent plenty of time showering him with love. Ryan was getting off around 2:00 so I figured it's only about 2-3 more hours. I'll leave him in daycare and and finish my day at work. The second half of the day went much more smoothly and I actually got quite a bit of work done.

At 4:30, I couldn't get home fast enough!!!

Tonight I tried to take advantage of as much time with Jude as I could. I'm not at all looking forward to tomorrow, but being on day in seems to ease me a little. I did however get my schedule adjusted so I now have an hour lunch instead of 30 minutes, so I'll be able to go visit Jude during lunch whenever I want!

My Biggest Fear This Morning...

Other than the typical fears of leaving Jude and me being an emotional wreck, I'm terrified about pumping at work. (yes - more boob talk ahead!)

While pregnant I approached our HR manager and told him I'd be breast feeding and therefore would be pumping during work hours. He was totally understanding and I have no problem taking my time away from work and sitting in a little office or the bathroom pumping away.

Without getting too into it, the past couple of days have been really uncomfortable while feeding Jude. Whatever's going on with him is now my issue too. In the beginning of the pain I tried pumping and it did NOT work out well. I had thought the pumping would be more gentle and since I have a pretty good supply of milk in the freezer I thought I'd pump to keep up my supply and feed Jude some of the stash.

Instead I ended up sitting over the sink hand expressing while Ryan fed Jude a bottle (remember I still have this fear of not producing enough milk from skipping feedings). As a result I haven't pumped at all since about Friday (I was generally pumping once every morning - but even towards the end of last week I was trying to phase that out). The pumping was more uncomfortable than just having Jude latch on, so I abandoned my plan of pumping until things were all better to avoid discomfort and passing things back and forth.

Now I have this vision of sitting at work with my nipples SCREAMING in pain for the first time in two months (perfect timing) and me pumping for the sake of keeping the milk flowing on top of going through Jude withdraw and then running out of the office crying, never to return.

Ugh... why now??

Firsts and Lasts

Jude's First 4th of July:

For the fourth we had quite a bit of running around. First we needed to go to see Ryan's niece for a belated birthday wish. Afterwards we headed over to spend time at my mom-mom and pop-pop's. We had thought about doing some swimming, but having had spent some time at the pool in the days prior we decided against it.

After some quality time with the family we went over to Bryan's for a little party. Being that Jude has been getting on a pretty consistent schedule lately we had to leave earlier than expected to get him home and in bed. In the end we didn't get to see any fireworks and were home before it was even completely dark out. We thought that we might be able to see some fireworks from our back deck, but we were wrong. Instead Ryan and I got to sit on the couch and spent a little time watching TV together.

My Last Day Home From Work:

Today was my last day on maternity leave. I'm not 100% sure that I've really come to terms with the fact that tomorrow I will be dropping my little man off at day care... in the care of someone I don't know very well for more time then I've been away from him collectively for the last two months.

Today I started by sleeping in just a little to spend some cuddle time with Jude. I thought for sure we'd go out and about, maybe taking a walk or something in the morning before his 2 month check up, but I was wrong. I remember looking at the clock thinking I had hours before I had to be at the doctor's office and at some point I looked again and I was basically running late. So, we ran out the door for his check up.

Jude is growing like a weed. He's 23 and 3/4 inches long, 11 pounds 12 ounces. I try to avoid the whole percentile comparison thing, but I'll throw out that he's in the 75th per. for his height and 50th for his weight. The reason I mention this is because his head is in the 15th percentile. The poor guy is destined for a peanut head like his father.

As you can see from his 2-month photo, he's been growing very well (he's trying to roll over on the toy box too- not smart).

In addition to the typical growth check, we discussed his feeding schedule, home life and much more. I brought up the thrush and the doctor said that it doesn't appear that it's too bad (maybe we caught it early on - or maybe it started to clear up a little on it's own). He told me just to be sure to clean his mouth out with a q-tip. I'll be treating myself with a little cream.

Finally it was time for his shots. This time I told them I only planned to do two shots. The nurse seemed very understanding, but said that only two shots would be needed as three of the 4 immunizations were all combined. One of the shots I planned to get today was included in the combo and the other was the one that was NOT included in the combo. Not being sure which was more/least important to me I again just gave in to what the doctor's office suggested and got everything. I could be wrong, but I think we've pretty much started the first of many of the series shots, so he'll be pretty much getting vaccinated on the AAP schedule.

After the appointment the day again blew by pretty quickly and before I knew it, Ryan was home from work. We had a few errands to run so we had a quick dinner out, picked up our rent check, a new battery for my car and decided to stop in the mall for a little shopping. As mentioned above Jude is getting bigger and so he's out growing a lot of his 0-3 month outfits. For some reason the stores feel it's necessary to put fall clothes out in the beginning of July, so it worked out in our favor as we picked up a few summer outfits at great prices!

Finally, after getting home it was time to face reality a little and get ready for my first day back to work. I got Jude's diapers and milk and my breast pump and parts ready for tomorrow and hung around on the couch for a bit.

I'm going to miss spending all my time with him...

Hopefully tomorrow will go well though.

Bottles

As I've said previously, Jude has only had about 1/2 a bottle. It was terribly unsuccessful and in my opinion hardly counts. Knowing I'd be going back to work - and for Ryan's sake, this past week we tried the bottle. I had heard that it's best for someone other than the lady with boobs to do the feeding, and since Ryan seemed eager he gave it a whirl. At first he was really uninterested (jude). We knew he was hungry, so Ryan kept trying. The nipple just seemed to be pouring the milk too quickly for him, so I think he felt like he was drowning.

On top of that, I feel like Ryan was nervous. I don't think he's ever fed a baby before? Ryan then decided that I should try it. I took the bottle and baby and gave it a whirl. Within a few seconds he seemed to be getting it down and sucking away. I think if Ryan would have stuck with it a little longer he would have been fine. But either way, the kid ate.

The milk in the bottle was from earlier that day. I had specifically pumped with the intention of feeding him a bottle later. I only pumped about 2.5 ounces - it was his first bottle and I had no idea where to even start with quantities. I poured exactly 2 ounces in his bottle at first, heated it up and he went through that no problem. Instead of pulling the last little bit out of the fridge I decided to just give him the boob to finish up.

I've done a little more research about quantities and found that he will probably be eating anywhere from 3-5 ounces at this age (he's just about 1 month - but still technically in the 0-1 month range - so I estimated).

Tonight we're having a BBQ at our house - what does this have to do with anything? I haven't really drank anything since Jude was born (well, since I got pregnant). I would let myself have one drink RIGHT after feeding him but that was about it. Well, since he took to the bottle I decided I'd thaw out some of my pumped milk (and even pumped a little extra this morning) so that I can "let loose" just a little. I still don't plan to drink too much (someone has to watch Jude - and I need to be able to offer the boob at some point incase he doesn't take to the bottle) but it'll be nice if everything goes smoothly with the bottle and I can drink again!

Yesterday was my last Monday...

As my due date approaches (tomorrow!!) and we get closer and closer to the 41 week deadline all I can seem to think about is “any minute now”. I am more than eager to get into my appointment tomorrow afternoon and see where we are, if I’ve progressed at all, if scheduling to be induced is necessary, etc.

My last day of work has been open ended for quite some time. Do I work through my due date? Will my doctor write me out early? If she doesn’t write me out, will I work up until 41 weeks (when I’m induced)? I just didn’t have an answer to that question because I really didn’t know the process. When I brought it up to my doctor they continued to tell me “you’re fine to work until you’re induced”. Which basically means “until the baby’s in your arms, you’re not getting any time off”. This was a little disappointing, but what I had been telling myself I’d be doing since I started making my end-of-pregnancy plans.

However, last night I talked to Ryan and we decided I’d be done work by Friday, no matter what. So, yesterday was my last Monday morning… until the beginning of July! Crazy!