My First Day Back

Here I sit blogging when there are a million things I should be doing to prepare for tomorrow... but I thought I'd share a little about my first day back to work.

I'll start from the very beginning (hoping to finish before Jude wants his final meal - well I got 1/2 way through - now I'm back).

I woke up at 5:00 this morning. The past few nights Jude as been sleeping until at least 6am, but I specifically woke him up at 5:00 for the sake of a convenient morning feeding schedule. I figured wake up and eat at 5, eat again right before 7, and go to work (as much on-the-boob feeding as we can!). The morning started out great - we were ahead of schedule, I had plenty of cuddle time before getting ready for work and since I had prepared all of our bags the night before I was ready to go.

I started to get emotional when I bundled Jude up in his car seat, but I told myself I'd stay strong. We got him to daycare and everything seemed to be very smooth! The kids were happy for the most part (except for the kid who's mother look very unpleasant and just threw him in the room). I share with them Jude's last feeding, diaper change, when he woke up, etc. They seemed very responsive and then the worst part of the morning: I realized I forgot his breast milk at home!!!

I had dropped off some frozen milk the week before to have as back up, but didn't want to risk it not being enough. SO MUCH FOR BEING AHEAD OF SCHEDULE!! I had to run home (not a long drive, but not convenient - especially since Ryan left my car with very little gas) get the milk and come back.

Jude was already out of his car seat and I figured this would be a nice "ease into it" moment so I left him with the staff and ran home, he seemed so content and that made me feel good. I was back in about 20 minutes with my "breast-sicles" (as Josh calls them) and walked into an unpleasant scene.

The staff was caring for the kids, but there were so many unhappy kids, adjusting to the morning I suppose. Jude was laying on the floor (clean! not dirty - there are no shoes allowed in the infant room) next to the previously unpleasant child. The previously sad child was now screaming and Jude was whining next to him. He didn't seem REALLY upset, just crying to be picked up. I immediately got teary eyed thinking that for the next 7-8 hours he would not be getting 100% of someone's attention... forgetting the breast milk at home HAD to be one of the worst things I could have done... I think the morning would have gone much more smoothly had I left while he was happy.

I said my goodbyes as quickly as I could and basically ran to my car. On my way out, the staff encouraged me to call and check up at any time. I fall apart the second I get in the car and of course had to call Ryan. I told him about Jude crying on the floor staring up at the white ceiling tiles, the little boy screaming, the kid with the runny nose and much much more. I felt like a terrible mother. Why have a child just to throw him/her into daycare??

Ryan told me to go to work for as long as I could, at least try to make it to lunch and then go pick him up and go home. I then had a much more achievable goal to reach (alright! just 4 hours!) and calmed myself down on the 15 minute drive to work. Of course I'm bombarded with people asking how my morning went, which only made me think of him more and get me even more worked up. Since I was pumping at work, I broke my morning up into two halves (only 2 sets of 2 hours!) making it even more achievable! I then find out that I have a meeting with one of my superiors at 11, again making my morning more bearable.

Before I knew it, 11 came around and without even needing to ask I was told if I needed to, I could go home early. I really contemplated it and so that instead I'd go to Jude's daycare for lunch and feed him/spend time with him and go from there. While on my way there I call to remind them not to feed Jude as I would like to during my visit and they said it was fine because he was asleep. When I came in, he was awake and peaceful in one of the care-givers arms (no, I don't know everyone's names yet). This of course made me feel much better. He smiled when he saw me and I melted.

He and I were given a room I could go in to nurse him and I spent plenty of time showering him with love. Ryan was getting off around 2:00 so I figured it's only about 2-3 more hours. I'll leave him in daycare and and finish my day at work. The second half of the day went much more smoothly and I actually got quite a bit of work done.

At 4:30, I couldn't get home fast enough!!!

Tonight I tried to take advantage of as much time with Jude as I could. I'm not at all looking forward to tomorrow, but being on day in seems to ease me a little. I did however get my schedule adjusted so I now have an hour lunch instead of 30 minutes, so I'll be able to go visit Jude during lunch whenever I want!