My Biggest Fear This Morning...

Other than the typical fears of leaving Jude and me being an emotional wreck, I'm terrified about pumping at work. (yes - more boob talk ahead!)

While pregnant I approached our HR manager and told him I'd be breast feeding and therefore would be pumping during work hours. He was totally understanding and I have no problem taking my time away from work and sitting in a little office or the bathroom pumping away.

Without getting too into it, the past couple of days have been really uncomfortable while feeding Jude. Whatever's going on with him is now my issue too. In the beginning of the pain I tried pumping and it did NOT work out well. I had thought the pumping would be more gentle and since I have a pretty good supply of milk in the freezer I thought I'd pump to keep up my supply and feed Jude some of the stash.

Instead I ended up sitting over the sink hand expressing while Ryan fed Jude a bottle (remember I still have this fear of not producing enough milk from skipping feedings). As a result I haven't pumped at all since about Friday (I was generally pumping once every morning - but even towards the end of last week I was trying to phase that out). The pumping was more uncomfortable than just having Jude latch on, so I abandoned my plan of pumping until things were all better to avoid discomfort and passing things back and forth.

Now I have this vision of sitting at work with my nipples SCREAMING in pain for the first time in two months (perfect timing) and me pumping for the sake of keeping the milk flowing on top of going through Jude withdraw and then running out of the office crying, never to return.

Ugh... why now??