The ‘Big’ Day

Today is my due date. Over the past few days the anticipation for today has been mounting. I’m eager to get into the doctor’s office and see what’s going on. I’m eager to meet my little man. I’m eager to schedule my induction and find out the next steps. I’m eager to move on past being pregnant and start adjusting to having a child in the house. I’m eager to be done with work for the next few weeks so I can focus completely on our child. It’s exciting and a little scary to thinking about what’s ahead of us.

What I’m not eager about though is the actual pushing. Even before getting pregnant I would have told anyone that I’m not afraid of being pregnant. I’m not afraid of being a mother. I’m not even terrified of the terrible twos or parenting a teenager. However, the X number of hours from the beginning of labor until I’m holding him in my arms scares the Sh*t out of me. I’ve never experienced any ‘real’ pain, so the unknown is intimidating (and even if I HAD experienced pain the unknown would be intimidating!).

Now, anyone reading this who has a child of their own may be thinking “oh it’s not that bad!” or “it can’t be that bad if people have multiple children” or “you’ll forget all about it!” and I totally believe you – but nothing you say can really calm my fear right now. When people use words like “popping” to describe their water breaking, or “tearing” to describe what happens if your vag can’t spread fast enough, it just doesn’t sound ‘good’. Not to mention always hearing how ‘big’ the epidural is doesn’t help either. Last but not least, when you hear that at one point or another the contractions will be so strong you can’t talk through them it just doesn’t seem appealing.

I know the biological process, I know what’s happening. I know the Oxitocin is causing the uterus to contract, the pressure from the contractions causes the cervix to dilate and all that good stuff. I know that the second the pain and pushing is over that my body will release another hormone that will make me ‘forget’ the pain and encourage bonding with the little devil that caused it all. I know that once it’s over I will look at his little face, his tiny hands and be the happiest person in the world. I know from the second I deliver my uterus will start to shrink and I’ll be on my way back to my “normal” body. But I’m still afraid of the pushing and contractions! Part of me thinks “I’d be fine with him staying put…” – obviously I don’t mean that, I want him here, I just wish he could magically move from my uterus to my arms.

Laying in bed last night I was thinking about it a lot more and was almost afraid of going into labor in the middle of the night. I just kept thinking “oh god! I’m not ready!” when it reality, now is just as good a time as any.

I’m sure I’ll come back and blog after I have him and say how wonderful it was and how it wasn’t as terrible as I had expected and all that good stuff… but again, it just doesn’t help right now…