Guilty

I'll start by saying that yesterday was a BIG day for Jude. Typically he sleeps a good portion of the day and then on and off through the night. More recently as he's growing, he is spending more time alert and awake, but still sleeps regularly through the afternoon.

Yesterday I took him down my dad's house to visit and it was a whole new environment for him. He left his normally fairly calm home and went into chaos. Not only is it significantly louder, with more people but my dad's house also means: grandparents and kids! Before I even pull into the driveway I get a over protective phone call to 'pull in the garage it's raining, you don't need to have Jude out in the rain'. Then, before I can even get out of the car, they're in the car in his face, making just way too much noise and going crazy - you'd think they never saw a baby before.

The rest of the afternoon continued much like that with everyone in his face, fighting over who gets to hold him singing rediculous songs, stretching out his arms and legs (my parents insist that babies need to do their 'exercises' to get them out of the fetal position more quickly ??) and tossing him back and forth. My stepmom even said at one point that "babies need their stimulation!" (and she wonders why I won't let her watch him when I go back to work). When we finally got out of there, he passed out on the car ride home as expected. Being that it was only about 3:00 or so, I thought for sure he'd sleep for a good few hours and then end up being awake all night. But I was wrong!

He did his normal wake up/eat thing until he ate around 7:30. After I fed him, he of course when back to sleep. I held him in my arms while watching TV until about 10:00 when I was getting tired. I contemplated waking him up to feed him before I went to sleep because I kept thinking "he's going to wake up any minute now". I didn't have the heart and wanted to see how long he'd sleep so I went up stairs and climbed in bed.

Here's the 'guilty' part: I brought Jude in bed with me. While I was pregnant or even before I started thinking about having kids, I knew for certain there were things I would "never" do as a mother. For example taking a shower with my son, and bringing my child into my room with me - putting him in my bed was very high on that lis! However, as I transition into motherhood, I'm finding that it's not uncommon at all to do things you never imagined you'd do.

Even with a million people telling me about the risk of SIDS (apparently EVERYTHING causes SIDS - beds, stuffed animals, bumpers, crib mattresses) and suffocation if you sleep with your child, it's something that Ryan and I do on and off. Since we started doing it, it's been almost taboo. Because it seems so socially unacceptable we both seem to just not mention that it happens in conversations with other people - and when the doctor asked the other day where he sleeps, I didn't even THINK about mentioning it.

The other night I came across one of the first people who openly asked 'do you sleep with him?'. Ryan and I exchanged concerned looks and said a very guilty "yes...". His response: "We slept in bed with my son all the time!" Why we felt guilty admitting it, I'm not sure - I think it's just because our society has made the AAP the final decider on what's best for baby and have thrown our best judgement as parents to the wind.

But the truth is, when he's laying next to me he sleeps so much more soundly. Regardless of what anyone says, even when I'm asleep I'm aware he's next to me and even the slightest noise he makes has me awake (even though he makes much less noise when in bed).

Being that he was so peacefully asleep on me last night I didn't have the heart to plop him into his crib. I knew the second I did he'd be back up and alert. I really thought he needed the sleep. So we all climb in bed and fall asleep. Around midnight I wake up because I'm aware that Jude has not eaten since 7:30. I look at him and he's still peacefully asleep next to me. I'm of course wide awake at this point and think to myself "this kid is a sleeping machine!!". I reposition myself and in doing so he starts to fuss a little. I assume I woke him up, but the second I settle in, he goes right back into a sound sleep. Not until quarter to 4 this morning (about when Ryan wakes up for work) did Jude wake up! Even though he's been a pretty good sleeper since he was born, last night was without a doubt the best night's sleep we've had!

While I try to avoid having him in our bed, if it gets me rest like that, I'm all about it! Still, being the worried and concerned person I can be I did a little rooting around online and came across this article which is also from the same guy who understands a parent's concerns about vaccines and came up with the alternative vaccination schedule. It helped comfort me that there is someone out in the medical field who seems to support what we're doing and even seems to recommend it! As someone once told me, there's so much information out there about parenting. You'll get a million different people's opinions and advice and really you just need to filter it out and use the advice that works best for YOU as a mother/father.