February 25th... November 4th

I'm writing this post from the past. By the time you viewers out there finally get a glimpse of this, it will be much later than February 25th (the significant date). **sorry if it gets confusing, I've been writing this over the last two months**

You see, February 25th, Ryan and I found out we would be having another child.

While I have been on a roller coaster over the past 2 years about whether or not another child was right for us, we both knew on some level that having one - meant there would be a two. Not knowing when was the right time for this to happen, we kind of went with the flow. We threw protection to the wind from time-to-time. I kept a rough estimate in the back of my head about when the 'right' time was to try... and we made decisions on a whim. The best part of just letting things happen on their own is the lack of stress and thought that goes into it. We knew that whenever nature decided to make things click it would be the right time for us.

The month of February, I just had the feeling... the feeling that things had clicked. We had said all month that we both thought this was the month... there was just a feeling in the air. Being the eager and antsy person I am, I tested early for a negative response. I was both thanking the stars and bummed at the same time. But something still didn't feel right. A day or two later - February 25th - I tried again. Instead of standing over the indicator of doom for 2-3 minutes awaiting a response that would never come, it was a matter of seconds before I got confirmation of what I already felt I knew was coming.

Once we knew for certain, the emotions came flooding in. The same emotions we went through when we first found out about Jude. The feelings like "oh shit... what have we done?" and "Oh my god! A baby! how incredibly exciting!" and "Oh no, we have to tell our families" and "dude... I'm going to get huge" and "so much for buying new summer clothes" and "DUDE! We're having another baby!" and "holy shit! A baby!" and "Jude's going to have a brother or sister!". Those feelings that waver back and forth from selfishness to pure joy, and then the worries and fears and anticipation of the next nine months began to pile on. You know, worries like: Will those dreaded gallstones come back? Will I have ANY sex-drive this time around? Will I have 'morning' sickness through the second trimester again? What about the gallstones? WILL I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GALLSTONES AGAIN? (clearly that is a big concern for me)

My first trimester with Jude was rough. Rolling out of bed every morning, having to head straight to work was almost torture - the morning sickness paired with just in general feeling 'pregnant'. But at the end of my pregnancy, I took pride in how I handled everything. I wasn't one of those people adorning myself with maternity clothes the second I peed on a stick. We did what we felt was right and waited the full 3 months before spreading the news to family and friends. I didn't beg for attention or claim that I just couldn't do something because I was in a delicate state. I went right on living. As a matter of fact, I lifted box after box and pieces of furniture into our new house in the first couple of months. (some may say that's irresponsible, I say my body would have told me if I was going too far)

This time around, I'm beginning to already feel like "one of those women". Within a week of finding out, I was out shopping for a dress for a wedding and sent Ryan a photo of what could only be described as a baby bump. I was shocked... I was wearing my regular clothes at five months the first time around! I consoled myself and tried to remember that the second time... things stretch faster.

This time around, I have had this uncanny urge to spread the news to the world. Before hearing the heart beat and hitting the 13 week 'safe' mark we had already told a small handful of immediate family members and close friends. I seem to be validating myself for this and say that I just don't want this baby to feel any less significant than the first, so maybe I need to pump up this pregnancy a little more.

Finally, this time around, morning sickness (though present) is not as bad as it was the first time - and being sick with flu/cold symptoms recently has made it almost non-existent. While being at home with Jude during this particularly trying part of pregnancy has been challenging in news ways (my patience... my need for a nap - constantly... my inability to leave the house as quickly as we used to), it has been a relief in that I can sit on the couch for a few minutes if I need to, or have a lazier day than usual if I feel like it - which has been frequently.

In the same breath, I'm feeling for Jude right now. Though he may not know it, to some extent, his world is being thrown upside down right now. We spend a considerable amount of time indoors (I'll blame it on the crummy rainy weather if I have to) compared to usual and we've been skipping more and more of his typically weekly activities (skating, nature walks, story times, etc). He seems to be coping relatively well though. He seems to really enjoy the indoor time and has discovered more and more cabinets full of kitchen supplies that he usually over looks. We've been spending more time curled up on the couch reading a book, snuggling or watching a movie (something that previously, we had only done maybe two or three times). But with the emergence of some spring weather, I'm looking forward to a renewed sprit and a return to our normal activities.

On more of a Jude note... Ryan and I have been talking about 'the baby' in very small doses and pointing to my belly and trying on a very basic level to let him know that something is going on in there. We're talking about the nursery, the house projects that just 'have' to be done before this kid arrives and the other preparations we need to make. But these aren't daily conversations. It has been within the last couple of days that things really seem to be clicking... hearing the heartbeat, having the first real visit and seeing my stomach expand more and more that bring some sense of reality to what is actually happening for us.

I'm curious to see the other ways that these pregnancies begin to contradict (or mirror) one another over the next few months... and I can only say the tasks and projects ahead of us will be... interesting to try and achieve.